


When I call you, do you shake the way I shake?

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mind Control, Other, Panic Attacks, Pining, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, aka canon typical sarah steel parenting, emeto tw, hoo boy! this is gonna be a Collection of tags, i need to stress that this is Actual unrequited love okay, some kissing and implied sexual stuff but never anything explicit, that's the theias for you babeyyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29192421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: When Juno pushes, Mick pulls. It’s always that.
Relationships: Mick Mercury & Juno Steel, Mick Mercury & Juno Steel & Sasha Wire, Mick Mercury & Rita, Mick Mercury/Juno Steel, Mick Mercury/Juno Steel (one sided), Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel
Comments: 14
Kudos: 40





	When I call you, do you shake the way I shake?

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings!!!  
> Drinking and drug use (some of this happens while they’re still underage)  
> Implied child abuse  
> Implied abusive relationships  
> Implied sexual assault  
> Character death and character injury  
> self harm and suicidal tendencies as per Juno Steels brain gunk  
> Emeto  
> Weight talk  
> Panic attacks  
> Dissociation  
> Mind control (it's the theias)  
> Some making out, and Juno’s not in the best mental state for it (To skip this, stop at “Juno pulls, and Mick comes willingly.” and start back up again at, “Mick takes a second or two to breathe.”)  
> Everything except for the kissing is kind of spread out, honestly. Although if you're particularly sensitive to any of these topics i recommend you skip the entirety of part 8.

**_1_ **

Something to know about Mick Mercury: He loves with all of himself. 

He loves incredibly easily, is the problem. He once tried to be friends with a sandhopper and then cried for a day when it stung him. Moreso because it didn’t like him as much as he liked it, then for the welt that flared up on the back of his hand in the following week. 

He’s always been sensitive, ever since he was a kid. He would cry for hours if another kid didn’t want to play with him, or if his parents couldn’t. In Oldtown, there was never that many people like that who had any room for emotions like that anymore. Maybe dad, sometimes. Though he carried a load on him. As a child, Mick thought that he would grow out of those emotions. That maybe one day he wouldn’t feel so much for everyone. 

Once, before his mom passed away, she told him, “ _Sometimes there is no room for love as passionate as yours in a world like this.”_

Dad chided her after that, told her that she can’t say things like that just because she’s dying, that no one gets to talk to their kid that way. Especially not his parents. She apologized, and told him she didn’t mean it, that she was just being cynical, but something about it always stuck with him. There was something about the way that she said it. Tired with the weight of her sickness, unable to get up and off the bed to spend time with him. Too weak and feverish to hold him. She didn’t sound mean or upset with him. She just sounded exhausted. 

Some horrible part of himself can’t help thinking it was more him that she was tired of. 

**_2_ **

Mick meets his first real friend in sixth grade, when the sun starts to fall out of the sky from behind the dome. He’s spinning a tale about the golden spires in Hyperion city that he imagines. Around himself, he can see wide eyes and hungry hearts. He’s lying, but they don’t need to know that. Mick hasn’t ever seen the highscrapers of Hyperion, but it feels good to imagine. 

Sasha Wire is the first person to make an effort to be his friend in middle school. He’s had friends before, but no one who wanted to be his friend _first_. He sees her staring up at him with the same look as all the other kids. Hopeful, longing. 

They were in the same grade, though they weren’t supposed to be. Mick was held back two years, which is probably another reason why the kids his age didn’t get along with him very much. It wasn’t that he was stupid, he didn’t think. It was just that he didn’t really _care_ that much about the classes. There’s never really been a big motivation for school with him. 

Sometime afterward, she asked him to sit with her at her table. Sasha had never seemed to be really the shy type. She always wanted to go for whatever it was she wanted. She’d always been direct and to the point with every goal. 

Sitting there next to her were two twins. One was loud and boisterous, excited to get to know Mick. The other was quiet and mean, not seeming to care one way or another whether he was there or not. Benzaiten and Juno Steel. The two had been around in Oldtown for as long as Mick could remember. All he knew was that Juno was angry, Benten was happy and sweet, and that the two of them together solved a lot of problems, as well and made a lot of new ones. 

Mick waves at the two of them hesitantly. Benten waves back. Juno grabs his brother by the arm and goes to sit somewhere else.

**_3_ **

Mick gets attached to them quickly. All three of them. Benten never really hangs out with them that often. Juno always says that he’s practicing dancing, says that one day he’ll be the best dancer on mars. Mick believes him. Benten can go ahead and be the best dancer on Mars, meanwhile Sasha and Juno can be the best friends in the universe. 

In highschool, Mick works hard. Before he met Juno and Sasha, he’d repeated two years because he never went. Those two are smart, though. They always make it to the next grade, and teachers have asked before if either of them want to skip a grade. Though the reason why with Juno could just be that no teacher wants him in their class. He cheats on most tests, and he throws more punches than he works on homework, but he _is_ smart. He doesn’t really care about school work, rolls his eyes when Benzaiten urges him to do it. Still, he’s gotten Mick out of more scrapes and bruises than either of them can count, and when that doesn’t work he tries his fists instead. 

Juno is really smart when he wants to be. Sasha and Juno are a bit opposite to one another in that way. Dad says that she’s more booksmart, and Juno’s more streetsmart. Mick isn’t either, he doesn’t think. Or maybe he just never had the ambition, because when Sasha and Juno moved grades, Mick realized that he would have to as well. He started working harder, trying to catch up with them. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be quite on the same level as them, but at least they can stay in the same grade. He would hate to lose his friends to something like that. 

Juno stays over at his place sometimes. In the beginning, they would stay up late watching ugly cartoons together from the screen propped up on the ground in the living room. Dad would tell them that they had to go to bed, and Juno would always look on the verge of starting a fight. He always had a bit of a problem listening to people. He doesn’t listen to anyone except his mom and Benzaiten sometimes, but the reasons why he listens to those people are incredibly different. 

Then they started to stay up late talking. Mick doesn’t know how Juno can go without sleep for so long. He always has to tell him that he’s getting tired, meanwhile, Juno’s still talking or smoking if they’re in Mick's room and he has the window open, like Micks not struggling to keep his eyes open. Sometimes, when Mick wakes up Juno is gone, but comes back. Sometimes when he wakes up he sees an empty room, he falls asleep again before waking up in the morning and there he is, asleep next to him. 

Mick doesn’t know where he goes, and he doesn’t ask. Some part of him is scared of the answer. Another part is scared that he already knows. Juno doesn’t mention it either. He doesn’t deliver an explanation to anything if he doesn’t have to. Mick knows he could try asking Benzaiten, but he gets the feeling it would make him upset. 

One night, in their senior year, they’re passing a bottle back and forth. Mick thinks Juno got it from the Pour ‘n Floor a while ago, maybe on his way there. They haven’t even gotten buzzed yet, but they should start to feel it soon. Juno takes a long drink, before shrugging. “I dunno, I think me and Diamond are going pretty well so far. She said that once I’m out of highschool we can move into an apartment together. Get out of Ma’s place for once.”

“What about Ben?” Mick asks without even thinking.

Juno sneers, like this is a conversation he’s already had that devolved into an argument. “He wants to stay in the stupid apartment. Says that mom needs him. Like she’s ever been there for us when we need her. He’s gonna get himself killed. I know it. I know she’s gonna do something really bad one day.”

It does bother Mick, a little. The thought that Benten would stay with her. Juno obviously gets the brunt of her bad behavior. Mick has overheard his dad talking about it with Sasha’s dads. He could barely get the bell end of him saying, _“I really do want to do something about it, but the kid won’t admit it to anyone but Mick and Sasha. And you know how Cops in Oldtown are. My brother still sells to half the precinct…”_

That’s about all he can catch from the conversations at any given time. That, as well as everything else stacked on top of it. The broken nose, and the wrist cast he had on for some months a while back. He never seems without bruises. Although… “Maybe Benten will be okay, y’know?” He doesn’t want to be the one to bring this up, but maybe it will ease Juno’s fears for Benten a little. “I mean, she only seems to be really bad to you.”

He sighs a little. “I mean yeah, but when I’m not there to take her anger out on, do you think she’s gonna just _stop being angry?_ There’s gonna be someone to take it, and I don’t want it to have to be Benten.”

“He’s still making the choice to be there, Juno. If he doesn’t want to leave, there’s nothing you can do. It’s not your fault if he won’t do it anyways.” He’s trying to explain it like Dad would explain it. He always knows just how to say things like this. 

“You don’t get it, Mick.” He snaps at him harshly. He grabs the bottle out of his hand, but makes no motion to get up. 

Looking at Juno hurts a little, somewhere deep in his chest. He’s always been a little too empathetic, or whatever his mom would say. She’d always tell him, _“You feel all the hurt around you. It’s painful, but I don’t want you to lose that.”_ She was right. That was before she got sick, and started to become more cynical and incoherent. Sounded like she talked more in pretension or riddles than before. 

He’s reminded a little of the way she had looked. Tired, thin and frail well before the time that one should be. Mom never had as many scars as Juno, though. It only adds to the look he has about him. Some part of Mick wants to keep him away from anything that could scar him up like that ever again. It’s not logical. Juno’s smaller than him, but he has more of history with protecting Mick than the other way around. Mick can’t protect him from the evils outside Mick’s bedroom. Hell, his dad ran his uncle out of the house when he found out his uncle had been selling Juno drugs. He couldn’t even protect him from _that_ and it was his own family. 

Juno looks like he’s dying, is the thing. Mick thinks he should get out of there as soon as he can. Even if it _is_ with Diamond. 

There’s something about her that Mick doesn’t really trust. He can’t parse out what it is exactly. Maybe the way she grabs Juno and puts him where she wants so harshly. Or even the clipped way she talks to him. Benten doesn’t like her either, says that she’s way too old for him, but Mick doesn’t know anything about that. Either way, Juno’s been very adamant about making sure that Mick, Benzaiten, and Sasha all know that their relationship is none of their business. That, _“If you don’t wanna hang out with her you don’t have to.”_ Maybe Mick’s just jealous. After all, Juno’s been starting to become a bit more distant after they started dating. At first, Mick thought that it was just because it was a new relationship. He’s seen people get distant after first starting out, but after the first initial excitement starts to die down, they settle into one another and come back into it. 

Juno wasn’t really like that. He distanced a little, and then distanced more and more. Mick hates that he doesn’t get to spend time with him anymore. He hates that he feels that way, but he does. He doesn’t even know what kind of person Diamond is, just knows that he doesn’t like her. A feeling, a distrust Mick doesn’t often have without concrete reason. Mick loves Juno, and he doesn’t want to see him hurt. 

**_4_ **

It’s late after a long day. Mick hasn’t seen Juno in three weeks, and he hears the comms that Sasha bought for him beep. On the other end is Juno. Mick knows what he’s calling about. He saw the cop cars over where Ben and Sarah used to live. He saw Sarah being taken away in handcuffs. He saw a body bag instead of a stretcher. He saw a form a little too familiar to Juno’s shaking on the curb with a blanket around his shoulders. Mick knows what this call is about. 

He answers. Juno’s voice sounds rough, broken, monotone. Sounds like the silence at the end of this call. “He’s dead, Mick.” He says. It’s quiet, but Mick feels it in every bit of himself. 

“I know.” He croaks out. “I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so sorry." He feels dread in his stomach, and he doesn’t know exactly what it is. He wants to ask him if he’s okay, but he knows that he’s not. 

He hears Juno’s breath shudder, quietly, and his heart breaks. He doesn’t trust him to get through the night like this on his own. “It wasn’t your fault.” He says. But Mick can almost hear him put that blame back onto himself. 

“Juno…” He hesitates before saying, “Do you need someone to come over? Is Di with you?”

“She went to sleep. I don’t need your fucking pity,” Then, with some mixture of malice and regret he says, “I’m not the one who died.”

Mick’s heart drops down to his feet, and he says, “Jay, buddy-” before the line cuts off.

**_5_ **

Sasha is leaving the planet and won’t be coming back for a long while. She says that she’ll call, and Mick is trusting her to be truthful about that. Juno is taking it pretty hard. He’s been getting worse and worse since they left highschool and since Benten. Mick sees him less and less these days, and when he does see him, Diamond is by his side. 

Today Diamond is nowhere around. Sasha very specifically did not invite her. Just the three of them, Sasha’s dads, and a few friends from the precinct she’s leaving. Mick thinks Rita is somewhere around here. She’s a sweetheart, and despite what Juno says about her, he doesn’t really shut up about it. He calls her loud and says that she gives him a headache just by being in the same 60 feet radius, but some part of that feels a little too much like he’s gushing about her. 

Juno’s sitting on one of the stools to the bar they’re having the little going away party at. Sasha hugs him gently around his shoulders, but lets go when he tenses up. She kisses his hair and tells him something. Mick can feel that she’s being reassuring in some way, but Juno doesn’t seem to care. 

She catches Mick’s gaze as she turns away from him. “If you want to try to cheer him up, go ahead, but I don’t think anyone can get through to him right now.” She hardly ever shows this much emotion, but Mick can see it. It’s difficult, and Juno can read her way better than Mick ever could, but he can still feel her disappointment and dread as clearly as Juno’s.

Mick gives her a sympathetic smile. “He’s just gonna miss you, Sasha.”

She takes a deep breath through her nose, and then out through her mouth. “I know. I just wish he didn’t have to be such an asshole about it. This is my last day on Mars.”

Before Mick can stop himself, he’s already asking, “But it’s not forever, right?” He immediately regrets the look that flashes across her face. Unsurety. She doesn’t know. 

Instead of doing anything about that, though, she holds him by the shoulders and gives him a tight hug. He savors it. She’s one of the most incredible people he knows, smart, brave, and always has his back. He trusts her. Trusts that, at the very least, she’ll call him. 

When she pulls away, she’s holding him by his shoulders again to look him in the eyes. “Of _course_ not forever, Mick. I’ll visit as often as I can, okay?”

He nods, and tries to believe her. “Okay, Sasha.” She pulls him down a little so that she can kiss his forehead before she leaves to talk with her dads. 

Mick walks over to where Juno’s sitting. He doesn’t even turn or acknowledge his presence. He just continues to swish whatever mixed drink he has in his hand around over and over. He looks really nice tonight. It’s been a while since Mick has seen him in anything other than his police uniform or whatever clothes he could bring himself to put on. Maybe Sasha called him to tell him to wear something nice. 

It’s nothing extravagant. He’s got a big coat on anyways, so it doesn’t matter what he wears, he’s still going to look kind of worn down. Just a small green dress that goes a little bit past his knees, and fishnets under that. He’s got on clunky boots with thick heels. One of his shoes is untied, but Mick won’t mention it. Nor will he mention the bruises on his knees, the one that couldn’t be covered up by makeup on his jaw, or the dark purple one that circles his wrist whenever his coat falls a little. Juno never liked it when someone mentioned his bruises or scars. Doesn’t make Mick worry any less. Somehow, he thought that Juno would stop having so many bruises when he left his mom’s place. 

“Hey, Jay Jay.”

He tenses just a fraction. Fingers of the hand not holding his drink anxiously play with the curls on the back of his neck, falling past his shoulders. Mick thinks maybe he should have just left him alone, that he might just be making it worse. He looks at him with a sigh. “Hi, Mercury.”

“Can I buy you another drink?” Mick asks, sitting down next to him. 

Juno lets his head drop into his hand, and gives one of those horrible laughs that Mick can feel under his skin. Mick doesn’t remember the last time he heard Juno’s real, happy laugh. This one is all anger. It’s a coin toss, really, on which one of them he’s angry at. “You don’t have any goddamn money, Mercury. I got it.” He says, and then buys them both new drinks. 

The drinks come without much time, and Mick blurts out, “So Dark Matters, huh? You gonna head with them next?”

Mick means for it to come out as a joke, honest, but it has a little too much worry in it. Juno just shakes his head. “They tried to get me to come along, but I said no. I could never do that.” Mick tries not to feel too relieved about it. 

“Oh c’mon, buddy! You could rock Dark Matters socks off if you wanted to!”

“Okay, well I don’t.”

“Scared of flying or something?” Mick asks.

Juno cringes a little, like Mick’s right. It makes sense, He’s been afraid of heights since they were kids. “What, leave Diamond here all by herself? She’d never want me to go. Besides,” He looks towards the window on the far end of the bar. They’re not high up, so there’s no skyline. Only passing cars and people walking with their children. “Can’t be that good out there anyways.”

“Yeah, probably not.” Mick admits. “But hey, it’s what Sasha wants to do. She’ll make it work for her somehow.”

Juno takes a long sip of his drink, and looks at Mick with those piercing eyes. A once over. Analysis. Mick wants to ask what he sees, what about him is worth categorizing, and what can be tossed away as idle information. Mick wants to try it himself. There are a few key points that would stand out, were he the kind of man to do such a thing. There’s the strong curve of his jawline like fingertips to cheekbone. The way his dress clings in certain places and falls slack in others. How the light catches so well in his hair, in his eyes. Juno swallows his sip, and a terrible part of Mick wants to know what his throat feels like underneath his lips. 

He has to look away, doesn’t think about those thoughts. “She always does. It doesn’t bother you?”

Ah, that’s what it is. “Of course it does, Jay, but I love her and no matter how much it might suck, if this is what she wants, well, who am I to stop her?”

He groans and slumps forward a little. Mick puts an arm around him, and Juno doesn’t shrug him off or tense up. He leans into it, just a bit. “I know, but still.”

“She’s gonna miss you too, Juno, even if neither of you will say it to one another. She’s not abandoning us.” Mick rubs slow circles into his shoulder, and Juno seems to drift towards it just a bit. “You’ll always have us in your corner, you know that, right?”

He sighs again. “Sure, Mercury.” He straightens up a bit, and Mick lets go of him. 

“I’ll stay for a bit, but I should probably get going. You sticking around?”

Brief, it’s always brief nowadays, being with Juno. Never quite enough time or courage or knowledge to tell him everything he wants to tell him. Do everything he wants to do with him. “Yeah, we’ll catch up more some other time.”

**_6_ **

They do catch up more again. It’s been ages since they’ve been together like this. Diamond is away on some business trip or something, while Juno was forced to stay home by Captain Hijikata. He got pretty banged up during a break-in. So much so that Mick found him hanging onto the alley of a wall on his way home for dear life, trying not to fall down. He helped him onto his hoverbike, and drove back to Juno’s apartment. 

It’s been a while since Mick had been in their apartment. Not so long that he’d forgotten what it looks like, but he always feels weird coming in there. For one, this is his best friend’s house, but he can hardly see an inkling of him anywhere there. Juno has a spot on their coat hook for his jacket, however everything else from the pictures on the wall, to the plates that Juno wouldn’t have picked out is all Diamond. 

Juno lets out a heavy sigh, and drops down onto the sofa. He kicks off his boots, and shrugs off his coat. Mick has noticed that Juno’s always very meticulous about keeping everything clean when Diamond is here. Mick walks over to the sink, and starts to run the water until it’s warm. 

“C’mon Jay, let's get your arms cleaned up. It looks like you fell down a lot on your way here.”

Juno growls. “You’re not my fucking dad, Mick.” He still gets up anyways, and struggles to the sink. He has to lean on the counter in order to keep his balance. It looks like Juno’s not going to actually do it if someone doesn’t help him, so Mick holds his arm and gently pulls his hands towards the sink. Juno doesn’t pull away, goes easily. 

Blood and dirt starts to rinse off from his arms, and Mick puts some liquid soap on his hands before putting it onto Juno’s. He lets his fingers skim over his knuckles and the rough pads of his fingers. He tries to be lighter over the bruises and cuts. There are some bruises there that are older, but they blend and mix with others so much. Some, Mick knows that Juno didn’t get from falling. There’s one that looks an awful lot like fingers that aren’t Mick’s. They’re a little more faded now, but he can almost make out the size of Diamond’s digits. 

He can feel eyes on him. Those sharp, precise eyes that never miss a target. It always makes him feel raw and exposed when Juno watches him. It hurts, a little. When Juno and Diamond had started dating for the first few years, he’d looked up at her with eyes full of hope, eyes full of a softness that was never really analysing. Just appreciating. His hands scrub the dip between his wrist and his thumb. He tries not to think about it too much. Juno will never listen to him anyways. He never even listened to Benten. 

Mick skates over scars on his forearm, swipes at a few little specks of dirt. They’re clear against his dark skin. Lighter where they are, and a stark difference. Mick wants to go back in time to when he got them, and prevent it from happening, or at the very least be there for him. He wishes his hands had some sort of magic to them so that he could wipe them away. 

Juno is strong. More mentally these days, with all the chemicals running through his veins and deteriorating his body. He’s still strong though. These scars on his body, everything that’s happened, and the fact that he’s still _here_ after all this time are enough proof of that.

Mick wants to tell him that. He wants to say that, and so much more. He knows that he loves Juno, but love has never felt like this before. Love with Sasha or his parents always feels like security, like safety. It feels like simple companionship where he knows exactly who they are and what he feels. With Juno it was a gradual thing. He can’t pinpoint what time it was that he started feeling these things. There didn’t seem to be any “first time” that he started getting butterflies in his stomach, nor was there any “love at first sight” stuff. It was a slow feeling and then a conclusion struck harsh in his chest of what he already knew. He was already aware of the emotions that he had for Juno, but he’d never really _said_ it before, even to himself. He certainly hadn’t said it out loud, and probably never will. 

He can’t ever tell Juno that, though. Other than the fact that he’s already dating someone who very obviously is not up for a third, Juno is his friend. A good friend that he loves with all his heart. Juno has a habit of pushing people who care about him away when they express it a little too much. That’s probably part of the reason he’s even _with_ Diamond, since she’s almost never actively loving with him. 

He considers himself a little lucky. Juno has done the same with him, but he always comes back, or at least, they always come back together by the end of it.

When Juno pushes, Mick pulls. It’s always that. 

He wants something with Juno, always something. If what he gets is friendship, then he will take that for as long as he can. 

“Mick?” 

Juno’s voice cuts through his thoughts, and he sees that he’s still holding his hands, both still soapy and wet. The lady’s are turned up towards the ceiling, while Micks are gentle underneath them. Juno’s looking up at him. He’s always been shorter than Mick, ever since they were kids. He’s not looking at him with any analysis or any categorization. He’s looking at him appreciatively, a little sympathetically. 

They’re so close to one another, and Juno’s hands are so cold. Bad circulation probably, but Mick feels a warmth anyways that seeps into his bones. Looking down at him like this, with Juno so close for a split second he thinks that Juno is going to pull him down, or lean up to kiss him. He doesn’t, doesn’t even attempt it in the least. The moment that wasn’t there passes as easily as it came when Juno snorts and says, “I haven’t seen you this quiet in years, Mercury.” It’s a joking tone. It doesn’t look like it was what he meant to say. “Did you get so grossed out by me that you can’t even speak?”

Mick shakes his head and leads Junos hands back under the water. “Course not, Juno.” 

He finally takes his hands away to pat the water off on his pants. Mick feels colder without him. 

“Jay Jay,” Mick says, he’s only a few feet from him, but he feels so far away. 

Scars and bruises, snapping at people more, and more. He’s closed off, he’s distant. They’ve hardly even talked since what happened with Benten. Sasha is out there among the stars, but even she feels closer than Juno does a few feet from him. “I miss you, y’know.” 

Juno snorts, cracks the weakest smile Mick’s ever seen in his life, and says, “I’m right here, Mercury.” 

**_7_ **

Juno comes over to Mick’s house uninvited. Mick lets him in easily. 

Neither of them say anything for a long time. Mick just puts on a movie, and they watch it. He might be coming down from a high, or something bad might have happened. He and Diamond could have had a fight. There are new bruises around his neck, and it looks like his lip was split recently. He always gets like that when those kinds of things happen. It’s some romance film that neither of them are really paying attention to. Mick hasn’t bothered to change it. 

Juno lays against his shoulder, and Mick doesn’t know if he knows or cares that he’s doing it. It isn’t like they’ve never cuddled before, but Mick usually has to initiate it. Juno is soft against his shoulder, and he’s been quiet so long that he’s worried that he might have fallen asleep. 

“This movie sucks.” Juno says finally. “I already know she’s gonna break up with her to get with them and it’s hardly even started.” He doesn’t sound truly upset, he just sounds like he’s complaining. 

Mick’s not sure they’ve been watching the same movie. He hasn’t seen anything like that. The other person has hardly even been on screen. “I dunno, Jay, how can you even tell?”

“C’mon, Mercury, it’s obvious!”

On screen there’s a wholesome scene going on. The two women are laying in bed together, talking about the future. “Maybe you’ve just got more experience in this stuff than me. You’ve dated a lot of people, Jay Jay.” 

He rolls his eyes. “Well, how many people have _you_ dated, Mercury.”

He doesn’t tell him _why_ he hasn’t dated anyone, Juno doesn’t need to know how hung up he’s been on him, or for how long. “I haven’t.”

Juno pulls away, and looks at him. “Wait, like, ever? Even when we were in highschool?”

Mick shakes his head. “Nah, I wanna date someone I really care about, y’know?” He’s also seen what being in constant relationships did to Juno, especially with people he didn’t care about. He never wants to go through that. He knows who he wants to be with. He’s never going to be with him, but that’s fine by Mick. Some people can date people they aren’t in love with. Some people can date people knowing full well that they won’t be together forever. Mick isn’t like that. He never wants to fall out of love with Juno. He wants it with all his body, but he’s happy just like this. 

He’s happy just like this, he thinks. Just like this. 

“You don’t _have_ to date people.” Juno tells him, trying to be reassuring. 

“Yeah, I know. It’s not like I don’t want to, I just haven’t found the person who I want to be with, who also wants to be with me.” Then a little more bashful. “Wouldn’t have thought I’d be _this_ picky, though. I’m twenty-four and I still haven’t even had my first kiss.”

“Seriously?” Juno says, wide eyed. He doesn’t look judgemental about it. He just looks shocked. “Never?”

Still, Mick feels bashful. “I never wanted to do it with anyone that I didn’t care about a lot. Even if it wasn’t romantic, I still wanted it to mean something.” He sighs. “Who was your first kiss, though. Did I know them?”

Silence falls over the room. Juno looks tense, and he swallows. He looks away. “I uh, I can’t remember.” He rubs his hand over his wrist gently, methodical. Mick doesn’t ask anymore detail into that. Stiffly avoids the topic in his head. “You said you don’t mind if it’s just platonic, though. Why didn’t you ever ask Sasha?”

Mick shrugs. “She never offered.”

“Well, yeah, people don’t just offer that stuff.” Juno tells him, as if Mick is supposed to know that. Juno looks at the TV where the main character is now buying a train pass and leaving her girlfriend. Then he looks over at Mick. The light of the TV lights him up from the side. A multicolored cascade from arm to neck to cheekbones. Mick can see marks on his neck in the shape of fingerprints. He wonders if Juno even notices them anymore. “Is this the part where I offer to be your first kiss, ‘cause I think I’m the _worst_ person for that.”

“I don’t think you would be.” Mick says immediately. Juno snorts at him, as if he’s not incredibly affronted that he said it out loud. “But either way, you’re still dating Diamond, you guys are getting married soon too.”

Juno winces, a sore spot. “We broke up, actually. This morning.”

Mick feels elation in his chest. He’s so happy he could die. Not that he thinks Juno now would ever want to be with him, no matter the subject of their conversation right now. It’s that he’s not there, with her now. She can’t hurt him anymore. No more arguments with Juno trying to convince him to leave her, maybe his bruises will even start clearing up. He could try to convince Juno to go to rehab. They might be able to hang out more, ask Sasha to come back to Mars to celebrate or be there for him. But before that, Mick tells him, “You don’t seem as torn up about it as I thought you’d be.”

“Oh, I’m devastated, but I don’t think it’s hit me yet. Honestly, I’m planning on drinking half the liquor in whatever bar I can find tomorrow, and getting too high to think. Just felt like if I went here it would be like it didn’t even happen yet.” Mick’s stomach turns as he says it. 

“You really shouldn’t, Jay-”

“I _really_ don’t wanna talk about that stuff right now.” He sits himself better on the couch. “We’re over, and I’m gonna do what I want about it.” He shifts more so that he’s facing Mick. “Do you want that first kiss or not?”

“Are you sure _you’re-”_

Juno cuts him off again. “Mick, it’s just a kiss for me. I’ve had a thousand kisses. This is about you, and if you want this to be your first kiss, and it’s really important to you or whatever, I don’t want all my junk with Diamond to get in the way of it. Do you want the kiss or not?”

Mick thinks about it. He really does. Juno really does seem fine with it, and he can talk to Juno about everything else afterwards. Maybe about rehab, and Sasha. He’s right there, and he’s gorgeous right now. He just looks like he always does, but he always makes Mick feel like he’s floating. Whether he’s being a dick about something, or watching these movies with him, drinking with him, eating overly processed food together. He always makes Mick feel that way. He has to wonder if kissing someone you love really is all it’s cracked up to be. He wonders if kissing in general is all it’s cracked up to be. 

He laughs a little, feels completely ridiculous. “Yeah, sure. You take the lead.”

Juno laughs too, a little breathier, a little more in his chest. He leans forward, and for a second, Mick thinks he’s just going to go for it. Instead, Juno slides a hand from his collarbone, to the back of his neck, then a thumb against some sensitive part, right where his chin connects to his trachea, his shoulder jerks very gently. 

Juno ignores it, his hand pushing into his hairline. It’s not quite the right texture for someone to run their hands through, but it feels nice, Juno’s hands on him. He wonders if he can feel his heart pounding so heavy in his pulse. That same hand traces up to his jawline, then skitters over his temple. His other hand cradles his cheek softer than he’s seen Juno do anything since before Benten died. 

“Turn towards me more.” He tells him. Mick swallows, and does exactly what he says. “You feel okay?”

Mick, in a fit of bravery, lays his own hand whisper soft on Juno’s arm, and runs his fingers over it a few times. They’ve touched a hundred times before this. When they’ve had scrapes after falling off Mick’s bike, holding back Juno’s hair when he throws up liquor, sitting all cuddled up with Sasha when they were kids, time and time again they have held one another and helped one another. It’s never been quite like this before. 

Mick’s had kisses before too. Sasha was always pretty affectionate when they were kids. Little kisses on the forehead, or on the cheeks. Same with his parents. Nothing like this either. He feels his heart hammer in his chest with this. He’s so nervous, and yet Juno still seems perfectly casual about this.

Mick laughs breathlessly. “How am I _supposed_ to feel?”

“I dunno, still don’t remember my first kiss, so good I guess?”

“Is that why you’re being so careful?” Is this too much talking? It feels like he always talks too much. 

Juno smiles. A soft little thing. It looks fake, but it's been so long since Mick has seen his genuine smile, that he doesn’t think he’d be able to parse out the real thing from this one anymore. “Yeah, it is. You ready?”

Mick feels anxiety rise in his chest, and he says, “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Good. Look at me.” Mick does as he’s told, and Juno looks a little sad. He always looks kind of sad. Right now, Mick doesn’t look for injuries or for things to worry about. He just looks at Juno. It’s been so long since he just _looked_ at him for the sake of looking at him. 

His shirt looks old, something he got from the HCPD, probably from when he first joined or something. His hair flies in all different directions. His lips are chapped and his teeth are peeking past just a little to show white. Stubble growing out a little too much. Eyelashes cast shadows on his cheeks. Once again, he looks just like he always does, and Mick takes it all in. He hates how his heart steadies, the calmness he feels just from taking a moment to watch. The quick pitter patter slowing like the eye of a storm just passed overhead. 

“You’re my best friend, Mick Mercury.” Juno tells him, and it’s so earnest that Mick aches with it. 

Juno pulls, and Mick comes willingly. 

Like everything with Juno, the way their lips connect isn’t sudden. It’s gradual. Juno presses his lips to Micks slowly, and turns his head a little so that they can fit better together. The feeling builds from nothing, until Mick is pushing forward a little, and holding his shoulder so that he doesn’t leave quite yet. Juno doesn’t, just slides even closer on the couch and kisses him more. His arms wrap more fully around his neck, closer, closer. He smells like bitter pills and alcohol and cigarettes. He smells like sorrow and that coffee he started using when he moved out of his mom’s place. 

Juno’s tongue swipes briefly between his lips. Mick guesses that he wants him to open his mouth, and his tongue slides into his mouth. He can’t help pulling Juno a little bit more by his shoulder, which he must take as a cue, because then he’s moving to straddle Mick’s lap. Juno pulls away briefly, and says in a much steadier voice than Mick thinks he’ll ever be able to muster again, “Tell me if this is too much, okay?”

“Yeah.” Mick says, is embarrassed by the pitch of his voice. It doesn’t matter, though, because Juno leans down and kisses him again. Mick wonders if this is how most people’s first kisses go, he guesses that Juno wouldn’t know. Juno takes one of his hands, and puts it around his own back. It feels good. This, having Juno in his arms, and to be in his arms, surrounded by him. He never wants this kiss to end. Juno’s mouth is on his own, and finally, finally he doesn’t feel far away. For years, it felt like Juno was lightyears from him, and now he’s in his mouth and on his hands and under his skin. It feels like how the sun looks, not like electricity, but like light. His tongue is in Mick’s mouth, his hands on his back. Juno’s weight on him feels grounding, like it never has before, and for once, there is no place Mick would rather be than in reality. 

Juno’s hands are still so cold, but he’s never felt warmer in his life. He feels a raging fire, feels like he’s burning up from the inside out. He hopes he doesn’t burn him too. 

Again, Juno pulls away briefly, just to say, “Don't make your tongue so stiff when you’re kissing me back, youre making out with me not fucking my face, and remember to breathe when we part away. I don’t want you to pass out.”

Mick didn’t even think about air, but he feels like passing out just from how overwhelming this is. “Uh-huh.” He responds. He feels fuzzy and giddy. 

“How do you feel?” Is it normal for people to check up this much? Or give him pointers? 

“Good. I feel good.” Juno laughs at him a little, and he supposes that’s fair 

He kisses him for the last time, and Mick feels the finality of it. Juno will never kiss him like this again. He makes the most of it, pulls him forward by his shoulder again, using the hand not around his back, puts it in his hair. He makes a conscious effort to relax, and to breathe when Juno’s mouth leaves his in brief moments. When Mick’s arm tightens around Juno’s back briefly, and his tongue slides over the other mans, Juno makes a soft, pleased noise in his mouth that Mick feels everywhere. Juno feels _good_ , and Mick feels incredible. He doesn’t think he’s felt this good in his entire life. The point, though, is that in some way Mick is finally making him feel something other than upset. Under all that turmoil and pain, Juno still has the capacity for it. Under all of it, there’s still some part he can reach.

He wants to tell him that he loves him. He wants to tell him that over and over again. He wants to whisper it into a shared bed, and a shared life, and he never has to hear it back. He wants kisses like this until the stars wink out and Olympus mons’ beautiful street turn to dust. He wants with that horrible part of himself that has always been like this. Always will be. Mick loves so much that it tears him in two. He’s greedy. He’s already taken so much, but he’s greedy, always been so greedy for love. 

He never wants it to end. Even without the kissing, Mick wants him in his arms or by his side for as long as he can. 

But it does end. Juno pulls away from him for a final time. He sits back, on Mick's legs, and shakes his hair out of his face. He wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand, and Mick immediately wants to kiss him again. He doesn’t. He just swallows hard, tries to get the taste of him out of his mouth. 

He gets off his lap haphazardly, and sits right next to him. 

Mick takes a second or two to breathe. Juno still doesn’t seem taken aback by it, but he guesses that it wasn’t the same. Maybe he’s used to it, the feelings that come with it. Mick doesn’t know how anyone could get used to that. “So how was it?” Juno asks. 

Mick still feels dazed and up in the clouds. “What?”

He rolls his eyes. “The kiss, Mercury, what do you think? I wanna make sure I didn’t give you a shitty first kiss since you care about it so much.” He does look a little nervous, and Mick knows that he just didn’t want to ruin it. 

Juno didn’t feel how Mick felt during it. At the end of the day, like he said, to him it was just another kiss in however many other forgettable kisses. It didn’t make his heart swell so big it hurt. Didn’t make his skin prickle or his stomach flutter. He won’t be thinking about it for years after this. He probably won’t ever think about this again after tonight if Mick doesn’t bring it up. It hurts. Mick knows that Juno loves him even if he never says it. Not like that, but Mick knows that he does, even if it’s just in the way a friend loves a friend. Juno will never love Mick the way Mick loves him. And that’s okay. Mick will be completely fine. 

“It was good, Juno.” Mick tells him, because it was. He doesn’t know how kisses are supposed to feel, but it felt really good, and he knows that. He knows people that have talked about kisses like some of them are horrible. Too much spit, or the other person kept breathing on their face, things like that. “It was really nice, thank you. I’m glad it was you.”

“You’re still an idiot for having it be me.” Juno says, grabs the remote to see what other movies are on.

Mick looks for a way to change the subject. He wants to keep talking about it. He wants to tell Juno it was incredible. He has to find other things to focus on. If Juno caught onto his feelings he’d never want to hang out with him again. So he reaches for something else. “I don’t think I was, but you and Diamond are broken up now. I’m proud of you, Jay.” He immediately winces. Bad thing to talk about probably.

“I still don’t want to talk about it.” Juno snaps. He puts on a different movie. 

Mick leans back into the sofa, something ratty he got from a thrift store a few years ago. His dad helped him pick it out. “Well, I’m here whenever you’re ready to, buddy.”

Juno rolls his eyes. “Sure.”

When Mick wakes up in the morning, Juno is already gone. 

**_8_ **

It’s been almost a year since Mick last heard from Juno. He’s heard _about_ him a lot. Apparently he’s been hanging out with the Kanagawas recently, partying a lot. Mick worries, because of _course_ he worries. It’s been so long since they’ve even talked, and who the hell knows what he’s doing, because Mick guesses it’s even worse than what he’s been hearing. 

He tries not to pay attention. It’s hard, when all he hears about his best friend nowadays is that he puked into Cecil Kanagawas lap, and then laughed in his face because of how upset he was over it. Or whatever bar he got kicked out of this time. Mick doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t, but knowing Juno, it’s probably a lot worse than what people have been saying. 

In all honesty, Mick couldn’t care less about the bars kicking him out, or the state of a Kanagawa’s clothes. He’s just worried, always worried. He thinks that he spends most of his time sitting around hoping his friends are okay. 

Mick is already asleep, when he gets a call. Before, when Juno would call it would be late in the day, probably after he’d get off work, but he hasn’t worked for the HCPD for a long time. Besides, it’s 4 am when he gets it. 

Still, Mick has been worried about him all year, and he hardly knows whether to pick up the phone and be angry at him, or pick up the phone and cry. Either way, he does as he always does. He picks up the phone, and he doesn’t hear Juno on the other line. It’s Juno’s name displayed on the comms, but instead he hears someone else’s voice.  
  


“Mista Mercury? Is that you?” Rita. The loud, fun girl that he met when Juno was still in the HCPD. “Shh, Mista Steel, I’m callin’ your friend.”

He hears some kind of muttering. Vaguely it sounds like Juno’s voice. 

“That’s me!” Mick says, finally. “I’m Mick.” He keeps trying to hear what’s going on, but Juno sounds either incoherent or far away, or both. 

Rita sighs with relief. “Oh my gosh, thank goodness. Now Mista Mercury, I know it’s real late in the night ‘n all that, and I know you need your sleep, but Mista Steel here really needs your help. Or, well, I need your help helping him, cause he’s havin’ a real hard time, and it’s real hard to take care of someone when they’re like this. He keeps talkin’ about you as well. If you can even call it _talkin’_. Shhh, Mista Steel I promise you’re gonna be okay.”

Mick’s already putting on some jeans and looking for his keys by the time she’s finished. “Where are you guys at? Jay Jays apartment? Oh, god, he didn’t get a new apartment, did he? I can’t navigate Hyperion city for hell.”

“I dunno, Mista Mercury. Mista Steel’s been livin’ in the same apartment since I first met him way back when, and that’s where we are now.” Rita tells him.  
  


Mick runs over to where his shoes are still scattered across the floor, and pulls them on, not even bothering to tie them. “I’ll be there soon.”

And he is. He’s there as soon as he can be. Juno’s apartment isn’t too far away, and the longest part is honestly waiting for the elevator to take him all the way up. He knows, rightfully, that actually getting there took longer, but that was running over. This is just waiting. 

Finally, he knocks on the door to Juno’s apartment, and bounces on the balls of his feet waiting for Rita to come open it. The waiting by the door is seconds, the waiting by the door is hours. 

She does answer and ushers him in as if he has to be, as if he won’t always come and always try to help his friends no matter their state. Mick walks in, and doesn’t rightfully care what the apartment looks like, or what Juno has hung up on the wall, or what’s broken and what isn’t. Right now, Juno needs someone, and whether it’s that love that tears him apart, or that need to feel concrete in a world that feels like smoke, Mick will be there. 

Mick is always, _always_ there. She leads him to where Juno is curled up on the couch. He’s shaking like a leaf, and he looks horrible. 

He has sick down the front of his shirt, matted in his hair. New cuts and bruises all over himself, lip split, skirt ripped a little where buttons are supposed to attach. Scratch marks everywhere from nails, and Mick can’t tell if they’re from Juno or someone else. And _god, Juno_ there are cuts, deep ones all over his arms, everywhere, two longer, more jagged, deeper lines the insides of both. 

Mick bends down, in front of the couch and in front of Juno. “Hey, Jay Jay?”

The lady just digs his nails into his shoulders and has a full-body shiver.  
  


“Jay, hey buddy? C’mon, let's get you cleaned up.” The shaking dies down a little and he turns his head up a little. He doesn’t look at Mick’s eyes, just at his knees and chest, as if looking at his face would be something horrible.

That must be confirmation enough, because he says in a quiet voice. “Mick.” Not even to him, not to anyone. It’s just a word in open air. 

He smiles as best he can, but Juno isn’t looking. “That’s me, buddy.” He puts his hands a little closer to Juno’s body as a warning. He flinches. “Just gonna help you up. Need to get you clean, remember?”

“Clean?” Juno repeats, looks at his hands for a long time like he can’t believe the thought of it.

“Can you walk with me to the bathroom, or do you want me to carry you there?”

Juno swallows, squeezes his knees where they’re close to his chest. “Hurts. Everywhere hurts.”

Mick is trying not to cry, but his throat cracks, and a few tears slip through anyways. “Okay, can I pick you up?”

Juno’s responses are slow, like the words Mick says have to roll around in his head a few times. This time he just says, “Mhm,” and puts a hand on Mick's arm, but doesn’t try to pull himself up, or even grab him for support. It’s just there, gentle. 

Mick doesn’t waste any time in getting an arm under his knees, and under his back. It’s easy to lift him up. Too easy. He’s so thin, so small. He feels lighter than when Mick last picked him up. That was when they were still in school. Either Mick’s gotten stronger, or Juno’s lost more weight than back then. It could be a mixture of both.

Mick sets him as carefully as he can into the bathtub, and he’s dazed enough that he doesn’t question it. 

“I’m gonna turn on the shower, and then I’m going to wash your hair.”

Juno just stays quiet, seems to be trying to get his bearings. He stuffs his face into his arms which are sitting on the rim of the tub, covering his eyes. It’s too bright in the bathroom. He turns out the light, lets it come seeping in through the hallway instead so it isn’t so stark. A bit of tension drains from his shoulders, and Mick turns on the shower. Juno stiffens again for a moment, but relaxes once it gets warmer. “Lean forward a little.” Mick tells him, helps him do so with a supporting hand on his back. 

Juno does so. Mick moves his hair around so that the water gets into it easier. He gets some shampoo into it, and starts to scrub his hair. He untangles the more knotted up parts, runs his fingers through over and over, massages as Juno hums, and leans towards it. 

“Close your eyes.” He does as he’s told, but opens them again soon after. Mick laughs through a rough throat. “Jay Jay, we gotta stop meeting like this. It was easier when Sasha was here, but you’re gonna die if you keep going like this.”

He rinses the water through, and starts to condition his hair. He runs his fingers through more. Works it into his hair slowly. Juno’s hand weakly holds Mick's hand, which was still kneading through repetitively. He trembles, hand still not very tight on his own, though Mick doesn’t move. He’s quiet for a few moments. “‘M sorry.” He sobs quietly, shoulders shaking. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Mick tells him in as soft a voice he can muster. “We can talk about it later.”

Juno sobs again, gripping him a bit tighter. “‘M so _sorry_.”

“Jay, c’mon, you’ve pulled me off the streets and cleaned me up just as much. _It’s okay._ ”

Juno nods a little and leans forward back into his own arms, lets his head fall towards Mick’s hands. His eyes close, and his breath starts to even out. “Hey, buddy you can’t fall asleep here, we still got stuff to do. Lean forward again and I’ll rinse out your hair more.”

He does, and there is nothing beautiful in this. Mick loves Juno, sure, he always will. Still, there is nothing about this part that Mick feels any romantic affection for. Just sad, and hurt. Mostly, it just feels he’s been pinned between stone walls, seeing Juno like this. Frail and jumpy when he isn’t dazed out of his mind. His emotions are all out of whack, and right now Mick isn’t even sure that Juno knows where he _is_.

He hears a quick knock on the door, before he hears Rita’s voice say, “I’m gonna make some tea, and order some food. Do you want any, Mista Mercury?”

His hair is fully rinsed, and Mick turns the shower knob until it turns all the way off. Juno immediately starts to curl in on himself. “Yeah, I’d like some. Do you mind grabbing Juno some new clothes too?”

“I’ll try to find him a nice sweater and some warm pants.”

She comes back quickly with new clothes, and then looks over at Juno who looks nothing short of a drowned cat. 

“Hey there, Mista Steel, you feelin’ any better?”

“Mhm.” He replies. He’s got a towel wrapped around his shoulders now. “Better.”

“Okay, Jay Jay, you think you can stand? I’m gonna need you to put these on really quick for me.” He shows him the clothes. Rita nods, and leaves.

Juno visibly struggles to stand, but Mick helps him up the rest of the way. Up, and out of the bathtub. He’s half leaning on the wall, but he’s successfully upright. Mick hesitates, but still. “I’m going to look away now, okay?”

Juno successfully changes clothes, and he, if Mick doesn’t look too closely at the dilation of his pupils or the way he’s holding onto the wall still like he’s about to fall over, almost looks like himself again. Mick hasn’t ever seen him get this bad in a long time. He doesn’t know what happened. If it’s just the drug, or if he got hurt enough to put him in a state like this. It’s not like Juno hasn’t done hard drugs before. Mick just can’t wrap his head around it. 

He guides him into sitting down on the seat of the toilet, while he grabs all the necessary medical supplies. He’s patched up Juno before, and he’s patched up other people. Sasha hardly ever got actually hurt, but the one time that she did, he was the one who patched up a new scar on her left shoulder. It’s been a while since they talked. Maybe he’ll call her tomorrow. 

It’s extensive, the damage done, though. Mick rolls up his sleeves, and cleans him up as best he can. There’s enough peroxide and gauze to patch up an army in Juno’s medicine cabinet. An array of empty pill bottles, but Mick doesn’t linger over those. He hates seeing them. There is an incredible amount of new, fresh cuts all over his arms. Most are self inflicted. The ones that aren’t are scrapes, and nail marks on his forearms that could have been self inflicted if they weren’t at such an angle.

Mick helps him walk to his room. There, Rita is already setting some tea on the bedside table as well as some noodles. Mick smiles at her weakly. She smiles back. 

It’s after Juno’s asleep that Mick eats his own noodles. He sighs, tired out of his mind after the day's events. Rita is busying herself by cleaning up different parts of the living room, tossing stray bottles into trash bags. When she finally does sit down she practically melts into the table. “Thanks, Mista Mercury. You guys must be pretty close. He wouldn’t even let me touch him when he was like that.”

Mick laughs. “I’ve just had a lot of practice. Don’t take it too personal, Jay Jay’s never been a very touchy guy.”

“I’m not, don’t worry.” She looks tired. Mick didn’t think Rita _could_ get tired. She’s always so hyperactive, especially compared to Juno who always looks like he needs a nap. 

“Do you wanna go home and get some rest? I can be here ‘til our favorite lady wakes up.” And he will be. He can’t imagine going home while Juno’s like this, while he still so obviously needs someone with him. 

Rita immediately shakes her head. “Nah, I wanna be there when he wakes up.” Mick gets it. The wanting to show him that they’ll be there after a bad night, that they’re still there. He doesn’t know if that’s what Rita means, but it’s certainly what he means. “You’ve been through a lot with him, haven’t you, Mista Mercury?”

“Not that much in the last year, but yeah, we’ve had some good times together! You should’ve met us when we were kids. We were always getting into trouble together. Sasha too. You remember Sasha, right?”

“I remember her! She’s in with Dark Matters now though, ain’t she?”

Mick nods again. “For a few years now.”

Rita casts her eyes over to the open door where Juno is sleeping, then back at Mick. There’s something she’s not saying.

“What’s wrong?” _Other than what’s going on with Juno_ , Mick means. They both know that everything is wrong with that. He hopes to god that whatever it is that’s going on can be helped. 

“You… care a whole lot about Mista Steel, don’t you?” She says, not asks. It isn’t a question. 

Anxiety rumbles in his chest, lifts up to his shoulders. “‘Course I do. He’s my best friend.”

“No, I know that.” Rita says. “I don’t mean to pry or nothin’. But I’ve seen the way friends look at each other. Mista Steel looks at me that way, I look at him that way. He looks at you that way, but you…” Rita trails off, unsure of herself. “I’m sorry, I’m probably just seein’ things.”

Mick swallows, looks at his hands. They feel cold. It’s the warm season in Hyperion. That means that there’s more sandstorms, but warmer weather. Why does he feel so cold? “No, it’s okay Rita. You’re not wrong.” He wrings his hands, doesn’t look her in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” She says again, looks incredibly sad.

One of those times where he can’t stop himself from saying something. “Why?”

She’s wiping at her eyes now, and he suddenly wants to give her a hug. “I mean, it hurts me seein’ him like this, but falling in love with someone who’s in so much pain, has gotta hurt real bad.”

“It does.” Mick admits. “But it hurts you too.”

Rita looks a little furious at that. “It can hurt _both_ of us.”

**_9_ **

_“Oh, what the fuck,_ **_ow.”_ ** The following day Mick is woken up by that, followed by even more groaning and cursing. 

He drags himself off of the couch, spares a glance at Rita who was, until just now, fast asleep on the other end of the couch where they had been sharing a blanket. Mick gets up, and walks back into Juno’s room, where he’s currently sitting up on his bed, and taking some of the hangover pills Rita left for him on the bedside table. He looks over his gauzed arms, looks over his clothes. “What the hell?”

“Hey, Jay.” 

He yelps at the sound, before whipping around to see Mick. “Oh.” Tension drains out of his body, but replaced with guilt instead. “Hi, Mick.” He still looks a little dazed, just a little out of it. 

“How’re you feeling.”

“Like shit, Mercury.” he snaps, starts rubbing at his temples.

Mick helps himself to sitting on the bed. “We were worried about you, y’know. Still are.” He wants to help. He reaches out with his words. Juno doesn’t reach back.

“Yeah, well…” Juno sighs, digs his palms into his eyes. 

“Juno, what _happened_ last night?” Mick asks, and scoots a little closer. “At least, what do you last remember?” He watches Juno remove his hands from his face, and squeeze his arms around himself. “I’ve never seen you like that. Even when you’ve overdosed or try to… y’know. It was never like that.”

“I remember everything up till calling Rita.” He huffs angrily. “I don’t even know _why_ I wanted to call her.” 

Mick swallows, “But what about-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He cuts him off, and Mick doesn’t hear just the finality of it. He hears the tiredness of his voice. He hears the way he shudders around the words. He’s curled up in on himself like a pillbug, His shoulders hunched, like he’s holding something hard inside his chest. “I’m sorry. I can’t, it’s just…I can’t right now.”

Mick’s heart breaks. “Oh, Jay,” It’s a bit of an awkward angle, but Juno accepts a hug. He buries his face in Mick's shoulder. He relaxes a little, but Mick can feel his start to soak his shirt with tears. 

“Mick, I’m so _sorry_ you keep dealing with me like this.” His voice sounds muffled and broken. 

Mick just holds him tighter. “It’s okay, Juno.” Maybe if he holds him tight enough he can take all that pain in his chest. 

**_10_ **

Juno is a detective now, and Mick is the same as he always was. He hasn’t known for a second what he was going to do with his life, and everyone else seems to just fall into things. Juno went from kid, to cop, to detective, and has stayed that way for the last 15 years. Sasha went straight from cop to Dark Matters and has stayed there since she got out of the academy. 

Mick went from kid to deadbeat. He tries. He really does, but maybe it’s just bad luck, or the stars aren’t in it. Maybe he brought it on himself. He hasn’t really been anything since.

That’s why, when he gets a call telling him he won the ability to buy his friends drinks he jumps at the thought. There is no inkling in his head of what is going to occur. 

But there’s one part that sticks out to him. 

_“_ So what is it then, Mick? You finally sell us out? You figure out that the price tag on your childhood friends comes out just about even to the sum of your debts?”

That hurts like nothing else. He’s been knocked out before, been beaten and bruised, but it never quite hurt like that. After all this time, he still can’t get through to him. When he reaches, Juno still smacks his hand away. Suddenly, in that moment, he feels lonely. _Viciously_ lonely. He’s felt it all his life. There’s always been that missing piece of him, and maybe he was always meant to be that way. 

He’s an optimistic guy at heart. He knows somewhere inside him that one day everything will be okay. One day he will wake up, and he’ll feel just as he always should have. 

When he thinks about what that looks like. Maybe a feeling, maybe a state of the world. He can’t possibly think of how it would look. When he was a kid, he thought that “happily ever after” looked like golden spires miles high, and a city made of light. He thought it was a city where no one ever went hungry. Now it feels like way back in Oldtown. The days when it was just Mick, Juno and Sasha. The days where Mick didn’t feel like a chore to be done and instead a friend to be needed. 

Sasha tells him she will call, and he believes her. He believes that she’ll schedule calls for him to remind herself, and believes that she will make every attempt to care about him. 

Juno tells him that he’s going to be fine, and Mick tries to believe it’s true. 

**_11_ **

Mick is waiting to die. He and Juno are sitting next to one another, poison coursing through their veins. He thinks, if there was any time to tell Juno about his feelings, it would be a few seconds before they died. A time where there is no longer any friendship to worry about, where he doesn’t have to worry about Juno pushing him away afterwards. 

Juno is sitting next to him. His breathing is labored, and he looks so tired. He looks so resigned. 

And Mick thinks. He reflects on his life. There are so many regrets, so many things that could have gone differently. It seems unfair to think that it would all end here. He wants a time machine. An ability to go back, and cherish the time when they were kids more. He wants to go back and stop Juno’s mom from killing Benzaiten, stop everyone from hurting them. Maybe spend more time with his own mom before she died. He wonders if it would just spoil the memories he already has of her.

Right now, though, he’s waiting. It seems like all he does now is wait. 

Juno coughs loudly, hand grabbing at his lungs like they’re in horrible pain. Mick wants to hold him to comfort the both of them, but it’s been so long since they’ve touched at all. He doesn’t want to be the one to initiate it. Mick aches for it, though. That perfect kiss on his old couch where Juno welcomed his touch, encouraged him. He wants to hold his hand, kiss him again and again until they both feel better. Mick wants to feel _warm_ again. 

“How do you feel?” Juno’s voice is scratchy and weak. It’s not the same, but he is reminded of when Juno pulled away from kissing him to ask the same question. He still wonders if Juno’s that considerate with everyone he kisses, or if he made a special exception for a friend.

Like his stomach is hosting a yoga club, and like someone spun around his brain like a top. “Like I’m dying?” He admits. He doesn’t say, _“But still good. Everything’s always a little better when you’re there with me.”_

Juno coughs, wheezes out a laugh. “Yeah, that tracks.”

He wishes he didn’t see Juno so often like this. On the verge of death, or at the very least resigned to it. They’ve had a few scrapes and wrong turns over the years, but neither of them have died quite yet. Mick never found the appeal to death. Some people don’t even think about it at all. Some people think of it like some evil thing that takes people away. Some think of it like some ever elusive happy end. Something to strive for. Juno must think that way, like death is a thing he deserves, or wants.

Mick doesn’t understand how he could think that. All his life, since his mother, since Annie Wire and Benzaiten Steel, and so many in between, so many after, he’s always been terrified of death. It’s a fear that settles in his chest, and comes out starkly at his worst moments. There is no part of him that wants to die. If he’s dead, then there’s no possibility to have those good old days back. No possibility to see Sasha again, no more moments with Juno. 

He dreads it, and not only for himself. It’s not an evil thing, he doesn’t think. Just something that has to happen sometime. He’s scared for Juno and Sasha, mostly. They both have incredibly dangerous jobs. He trusts Sasha to get out on top. He trusts Juno to get other people out on top, but he knows how Juno is. That desire to throw himself into whatever is the most dangerous might even catch up with him one day.. When they were kids it was bad relationships and bad substances. Now it seems to be more bad cases with horrible people like this. 

Sometimes is so certain that his best friends will die. He hates the selfishness of it, but it’s fear of being alone that gets to him more than anything. That they will die, and he’ll never see them again. He wouldn’t have anything then. He would just be Mick Mercury. No Mick, Juno and Sasha. Just Mick all by himself 

He starts to build himself up, he’s scared but it’s okay. He doesn’t mind dying nearly as much if he’s not alone. He wants to tell Juno about his feelings, about everything he’s felt for him since they were in their twenties. He talks about the Proctor, about how silly it is, because it _is_ silly. It's more so that he can finally get the guts as they deteriorate.

There doesn’t seem to be any good reason for her to kill people. Juno says that sometimes people just kill people, but that’s not right, is it? Writing off the _why_ of people hurting people takes away from the idea that they’re still human, that there might be something going on. That they could be hurting too. Maybe Mick’s heart is too big, trying to figure it out. He wonders if Juno still gets hung up on the question of _why_ after all the horrible things he’s seen, and he just pretends not to. She’s still human, under all of it. Just as human as Mick or Juno. There must be something to understand, something that just doesn’t click right for them.

Mick is about to tell him, when Juno catches on something. It snags, and he’s suddenly back up on his feet, angry and talking about how it doesn’t make any sense. 

Mick wants to be with him, every step of the way, but when he asks to help in any way he can, Juno denies him. Maybe it's just the ever present sadness of Juno rejecting him, but it feels like something else. Something worse than that. He doesn’t know what it is, but there’s some instinctual terror that he can’t deny. Dread builds, and he even tells Juno, who says nothing at all. 

A little more when Juno cocks the gun and flips it over towards himself with no hesitation. 

Mick starts to scramble up, but his body is weak, it’s too weak. The poison courses through his veins and makes them heavy. He stands up too fast. His vision scrambles and melds. “Jay! What are you doing?” He yells, his chest hurts, but Juno is right there. He doesn’t know if he can reach on time. 

Before he shoots, he lets that mechanical eye slide back over to Mick, and some part of him flips flops with the wrongness of it. Of the way he looks while pointing a gun at himself, and looking at Mick. He never wants to see that again. “Later, Mick. See you on the other side.”

“Put down that gun!” he yells in the most demanding tone he can muster while terrified. 

For a split second he understands what Juno means when he says that time slows down before a shot. He can see the expansion of his chest as he breathes for just a moment. He can see the way he relaxes, how that casual resignation settles into a sudden surety. 

Mick hears the sound of the gunshot in his ears, in his blood. He could almost swear that his heart stops for a second. He can’t breathe, can’t even think as Juno’s body falls to the ground with a dead thud. Meanwhile Mick is still leaning against the wall. As if there’s anywhere else to go, or anything else to do here in a room with his best friend’s body. The only person he’s ever felt any romantic love for in his life lying dead. 

Too late. He was too late. Tears are falling down his face, and he only knows that he’s crying by feeling himself cough. The words are tumbling out of his mouth. “Don’t leave me here, buddy! Come back! You can’t just shoot yourself and leave me-”

Juno sits back up. And for a split second he feels _angry_. Not just pissed that Juno’s being an ashole, or at his own inadequacy. He's angry that Juno would pull something like that. That he would risk everything, including the heartbreak the Mick and Rita would have to experience if he did die. All that progress, just for him to die in the fortezza and leave his dead body for Mick to sob over. Like he could even care enough to try the door after that, after seeing the only person he’s ever loved like he loves Juno die locked in a room together. 

Then it all washes away with relief. Juno is alive, and Mick is so happy that he is.

He saves the day, just like Mick was sure he was going to do as soon as he saw Juno there with him.

Through all the elation of his living friend, and the horizon looking over just for Mick Mercury to see, thoughts crawl into his head. This time, it’s not anger. One day, is he going to see Juno like that? That time, he won’t spring back up with a defiant look on his face like he just gave every horrible person what was coming to them. He won’t save the day or sit with Mick by the window to talk. 

He hopes that day doesn’t come. He hopes Juno will talk to him even if he seems to be distancing himself from everyone again. Though right now they’re talking by that window. Juno just saved them, and saved someone's life by killing another. Right now Juno is talking to Mick and only Mick. “You could always just stay so busy you don’t have time to think about it. That’s usually why I do. But for what it’s worth Mercury… I think when you finally figure out who you are, you’re really gonna make an impact.” It feels good to hear. That Juno sees anything other than a friend that he has to be around for pure necessity. It warms him even if Juno tries to counteract any emotions a second later. 

That doesn’t make it hurt any less when Juno tells him to go home without leaving any room for argument. 

**_12_ **

His apartment in Newtown is… nice. It’s perfect, really. His old place had mold on his ceiling, some strange substances on the walls. He liked that place, sure. He still had to pay rent for it which was hard in the place he’s always in financially. It comes with the Theia, as well. It feels weird on him, not quite comfortable on his skin, but it helps. There’s no craving anymore for things that he knows will damage his body. It’s so easy now. He never has to worry about relapsing ever again and that security feels _so easy._

He’s never been sure about something like that before. 

When Juno comes over he’s excited to show him how well he’s doing. Juno doesn’t look great, but he never does. Rita’s there as well. Briefly, his mind short circuits back to the time she told him that she could see he loved Juno, but it passes just as quickly as it had come. He can hardly even think about loving Juno, maybe the Theia has determined that it hurts too much to keep around. 

It hurts not to love him. There is a gap where that feeling has almost always been. Where it should be.

When he hugs Juno he feels their friendship, and that endless gap of what he should be feeling. He also knows that there should be that small tinge of hurt inside him accompanied with it, but he doesn’t hurt. He just feels happy that his friend is there. It’s been too long since Juno’s visited. He can’t wait to show him how much he’s improved. 

Rita thinks there’s something wrong, but for once in his life, things are looking up. _Really_ looking up. With all his cockamene “schemes” or dead end ideas, there’s always been that looming failure inside of it. This, though. The new apartment under his feet, the lack of a craving or pain in his chest when he looks at Juno. There is nothing about this he has the ability to dislike, really. 

He’s even happier when he brings tea for the two ladies.

Juno rambles for a second or two about some Fascist Renaissance, and torture devices, but Mick has to tell him that there’s nothing like that. And there isn’t. There’s nothing to complain about right now.

Then he mentions the alcohol, his lack of cravings. It feels like a sharp edge to have it mentioned out loud. A steady repetitive command of, 

_I can’t. I can’t. I can’t._

His hovercycle as well, and that’s painful too. He _loved_ that bike. It was the thing he’s had since he was a kid. He can’t even remember how many scrapes it got Juno, Mick and Sasha out of when they were still kids. Still though, it was [DANGEROUS. UNNECESSARY.]

_I miss it. I miss having my friends on that bike. I miss them, I miss the days when riding that bike down the street with them felt like flying._

He feels the loss so suddenly. All of it, together. Looking at Juno, there’s that same mantra in his head that he’s felt since he was in his twenties. A feeling that he should be feeling, but isn’t and he can’t understand _why._

_I love you. I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I wish you would love me back. But since you won’t, please stay alive, and please be happy even if it’s without me? I miss you, I love you. I love you and it hurts, and I love you._

He can’t look at him anymore, so he leaves to make more tea in the kitchen. 

Mick knows what happens after that. He can feel all of it, but more than that he remembers it. It’s not where he is, and it’s not something he’s really _doing_ as much as something that’s happening. It’s horrible. The most lucid part that he knows he’s really _there_ is after he’s already lunged at Rita. 

“This.” Juno says after Mick asks why Rita shouldn’t get any closer. He doesn’t feel like he’s in his own body. It feels like he’s ten feet away and also in his body until it feels tight and confined. He doesn’t feel like he can move, but he _can_. He’s just not the one doing it. “Your voice. What you just did. This whole creepy apartment, it’s wrong, Mercury, it’s all-”

He feels shot with a syringe of liquid sorrow. It almost feels like a forced emotion. “Me finally having my act together is wrong to you?” It hurts. That must be what hurts. That Juno has seen what good all of this can do for him, and thinks there’s something wrong with him when he finally gets around to doing it. 

“That’s not what I said,” Juno tries, but it feels so so far away. 

“After all we’ve been through? That hurts, Jay. That really hurts.” He can hardly feel anything right then, but he knows that what his mouth is saying is true. He _does_ hurt, and it doesn’t quite matter whether that hurt comes from what Juno’s saying or anything else. He just knows that he hurts. 

His vision swims when he looks at Juno, who looks worried and _scared_ . Scared of _Mick._ “The hell is in your hand, Mercury?”

In his hand? He can’t even feel anything in his hand. He can’t even feel his hand. “What happened, Juno? I thought we were buddies.”

Are they not friends anymore? Mick feels like a part of him is dying. Are he and Juno not friends anymore? But Juno just avoids the question. “When you jumped at Rita, you had something in your hand! Tell me what it was _right now!_ ”

But they have to be friends.

If they’re not friends then they’re nothing. 

They can’t be _nothing_. 

_I love you, am I nothing to you?_

Mick feels like he’s screaming, but can anyone hear him?

The world feels dropped into a great mass of water again. It feels like he’d just slipped off of a rocking lifeboat. He remembers all of that too. He remembers how his body broke and ripped in the process of trying to hurt his own friends. The way Juno looks at him so terrified it makes Mick want to cry. It’s horrible, the look on his face, like he trusts Mick not to hurt him even while he’s doing so right then. Juno never had trust like that before. In the moment, he’s convinced by the soul that this is for his own good. It’s just security. Just to make sure Juno doesn’t have another one of those horrible days like he would have so often long ago. He’s helping his friend. 

The next time he’s lucid again is when Juno’s got his head in his lap, and coughs a lung out of his chest. 

He hurts, and he’s tired. He looks up at Juno who’s got a hand on his arm, and a worried look in his eye. He saved the day, just like he always does. Juno helped him again. It’s nice to touch him again. He’s so close, and his hand is that same warm cold feeling. Makes goosebumps stand up on his arms, but he feels warm everywhere else. 

Mick thinks it must be tiring to be the hero.

Juno has to leave soon, because of course he does. He never sticks around for long with him anymore. But this time, before he leaves, he gives Mick a long hug. Longer a hug than he’s gotten from Juno in an incredibly long time. Most of the time, he kind of just pulls away after a second or two, hardly even touches him at all. It had never been something Mick had taken personally. Juno doesn’t even touch most people without it being an accident. He hardly even touches Mick usually when they’re hugging either. He just lets his arms wrap as loosely as he can around Mick’s back. 

Here, he squeezes tight around his shoulders while Mick's arms wrap around Juno’s back. He almost forgot how it feels to have a _real_ hug from Juno. He almost cries straight into his neck. 

It has to end. Mick is shaking from his injuries, and Juno has the mayor to talk to. He savors it while it lasts. Juno squeezes his arm once before he leaves, and he tells him, “See you as soon as I can, okay?”

In ebbs that worry that’s always present when Juno’s around, but he ignores it and believes him as well as he can. “Yeah, sounds great Jay Jay. Soon as you can.”

**_13_ **

Juno makes good on his promise to see Mick again. He keeps rubbing at his shoulder as his arm is in it’s new sling. He says he has to keep it that way as it heals, though Mick keeps seeing him move it too much before he keeps jerking in pain. It doesn’t look like he’s doing it on purpose, though, and he calls that a win. 

His eye, or where his eye used to be is bandaged over, and his coat is taken off. It’s slung over the arm of the chair. He’s not in anything particularly beautiful. Just some black silk tank top tucked into a lilac colored skirt that falls all the way down to his boots. It’s not anything fancy, really. He’s seen streams and business people wearing all types of beautiful, fashionable clothes. Still Juno looks lovely. Maybe it’s not the clothes, really. He wears skirts and tank tops like that all the time. It might just be the lighter color, or the way he’s holding himself like he’s learning how to balance when he isn’t being crushed. 

“So your dad is living with you now, huh.” Juno mentions.

Mick casts his glance to the other bedroom, where his dad would be asleep right now, probably. “Yeah, his doctor said that he needs somebody to watch over him now, so I’m trying to get on that. Getting pretty old or something, but he still seems as prime as he always did back in the day!”

He looks to where Mick's eyes are pointed, and nods. “Most people by this age would be getting there, alright. I haven’t seen him very much though.” He looks away, and over to the TV. “Let’s watch something. I’m kind of tired.” He admits. Juno almost never says out loud that he’s tired, unless he’s giving a reason why he snapped at someone. “It’s been kind of a hectic few months, Mercury.”

Mick grabs the remote, and starts to look for something to watch. He assumes that this is just kind of how Juno passes the time with friends now if they’re not drinking. It's always been nicer to watch a show with Juno than to ever get drinks with him. He turns it on, and skips over the news when Juno tenses up next to him. It’s all anyone is talking about right then, but he finds a dumb reality show, and Juno does relax finally. Mick doesn’t know why he stiffens even more everytime he hears Ramses’ name. 

It’s a few hours later before either of them really talk again. There had been laughing a little at the show, or a few little questions when Mick got lost on what was going on. Though other than that, there hasn’t been a lot of real talking. Mick hardly even realizes that the reason he starts to feel comfortable must be partially because Juno is soft against his arm. 

The credits roll from the end of another episode, and Juno sinks further against him. He knows there’s nothing really romantic about this. Not really. They’ve been like that together since they were kids. Sure, Juno’s hardly touched him in passing years, less and less as time goes by, but it still feels familiar. It’s still Juno, constantly changing, different than he was from when they were kids, different from the lady he was a few months ago, different from who he was when he first walked through the door earlier that day. Though it’s still Juno. 

That means it’s that same lady when he shifts in his seat again, to sit up a little. It had been so long, that Mick thought maybe Juno had fallen asleep. He always seems so tired. He must have just been thinking. “Mick… buddy. I just wanted to, uh, apologize.”

Mick turns to face him, where Juno’s already looking at him. He looks incredibly guilty. He blinks at the question. “What for?” It’s genuine, and Juno knows that. 

He sighs, parts away from him so that they’re not touching anymore. He grabs the remote, and pauses the episode, mid-frame of the opening. “Look, Mick. I know I haven’t treated you… the best. Or anyone really. You’ve helped me a lot and I’ve thrown it back in your face. After everything. After Benten, Diamond, the HCPD, and then everything that went on with Oldto- Newtown.” He still has a hard time getting his mouth around the word. His shoulders droop like a flower after sundown. “You’ve helped me. A lot. Throughout everything you’ve helped me so much and I’ve never thanked you for it.” He won’t look him in the eyes, and that’s part of how he knows Junos being completely truthful. He doesn’t look angry or upset. He just looks embarrassed, and ashamed. “I’m sorry, Mick. For how I’ve treated you, especially how I’ve treated you when you were just trying to help me. I’m sorry that I kept pushing you away, and that I wasn’t there when you needed me. I should have been there for you like you were there for me.” Juno has tears in his eye, but he holds them back. 

And Mick realizes that it’s because it’s not _about Juno._ This is a conversation Juno is making about Mick. “Jay Jay, I…”

For once, he doesn’t know what to say. 

“It’s not enough. I’m not saying that because I feel upset about it, I’m saying that because it’s true.” Juno continues. “Mick, it’s not. I wish there was some way that I could repay you for everything. All of it. You don’t have to accept my apology. You don’t even have to accept my thanks. I’m just happy that you were there for me through all of it.”

Mick doesn’t know what to say, or what to think. Juno is right there in front of him, beautiful and earnest, apologizing and appreciative. So instead, he leans back down to him and gives him a hug. Gentle, careful of his arm in the sling. Juno breathes in sharply, and Mick briefly waits for any sign of discomfort, but he only leans into it. Mick finally has the words. “Thank you for apologizing, and I’m glad you appreciate the help.” Then he pulls away to look him in the eye, hand still holding his good shoulder softly. “I’m proud of you, Jay. I really am. I don’t want you to beat yourself up over all of it. We’ve all had our worst times. Even me.”

Juno rolls his eye as a tear finally does fall and sniffles. He’s always been a crier, always hated that about himself. Mick’s always been pretty emotional as well, but he grew up with his dad, who always wanted him to show his emotions as much as he could. A form of honesty, he said. “Well, if the bar is _that high._ ” Juno jokes. 

“Just do your best, you’ll be fine.” Mick reassures him. 

Juno snorts and wipes at his eye some more. “I will.” He relaxes a little.

They settle again in their seats, until Juno pipes up once more. “I’ve uh… been thinking about leaving, Mick.” He says. “Mars, that is.”

Mick’s heart drops before he says anything. He wishes that it wouldn’t. Juno must see the look on his face. 

“Hey, I’m just thinking about it so far. I haven’t even told Rita yet, who I would take with me anyways.” _She’ll go with you,_ Mick thinks, _who wouldn’t go to the ends of the universe with you?_ “And I wouldn’t just leave. I’ll call, and see if Rita can encrypt the messages somehow. And I’ll try to visit. But Mick,” His hand ghosts over his own. “You’re always gonna be my best friend. Me and Rita are too, but in a different way, y’know?”

Mick _doesn’t_ know that. If Juno found out about this love that he still has somewhere in his heart. That horrible romantic feeling that Mick hates and hates, would he still say that? Mick wants to kiss him, hold him, share dates and all the sappy romantic things with only him. Juno doesn’t want that. He never would, and that’s okay. Loving Juno, both as a friend and loving him in the other way means that he wants him to be happy. Whether that’s with or without him, far away or by his side. Whether Mick hurts or he doesn’t, he wants Juno to be happy and alive. 

“I don’t want to be in Hyperion anymore. I can hardly stand it, y’know? Everytime I see Ramses’ face thrown up on a billboard, or hear someone talking about how wonderful it is that we have Newtown now, which don’t get me wrong, it’s helped a lot of people, it just kind of kills me. But… if you really don’t want me to leave, then I won’t. Same with Rita if she doesn’t want me to leave. Not like I can go without her anyways. But I don’t think I can without knowing that you’re going to be okay.”

Mick swallows down the lump in his throat. He gives Juno his best King of the Freeway smile. It doesn’t hurt that it’s completely genuine, even if it does hurt. “If it really feels that way, Jay, you should go. You have a way to leave, and you don’t want to be here anymore? Go for it. You know what’s right for you.” He’s being as honest as he ever is. Truthful as he can be. He really does believe everything he’s saying. If Juno really does believe there’s something better for him out there, and he has the ability to leave, then he should. It hurts, the thought of him leaving, but it’s not Mick’s choice. 

Juno laughs like a broken thing. “Do I?” His voice crackles around the words like a fire. “Feels like I’ve been running towards the wrong thing so long, I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.”

Mick swallows. “Jay Jay, listen.” He looks him in the eye. “You deserve some good things in your life, y’know. You… all of us. We’ve been through hell and back. It’s been fun sometimes, but there have been times where all we need is something different. A change of scenery. For me, maybe it was this place. For Sasha, well, I haven’t been able to get in touch with her, so she’s gotta be having the time of her life. Maybe that’s what she needed. For you, who knows. You might not need that change of scenery, but if being here is just making you feel worse, and you wanna try it out there, do it.” He squeezes Juno’s hand gently. “I’ll always be here for you if you ever need to come back, okay?”

Juno laughs again, quieter this time, more genuine. “I’m telling you I’m leaving for the foreseeable future, and you’re convincing me to go? Doesn’t it bother you?”

Mick chokes out an incredulous laugh. “Of _course_ it does, Jay. But I love you, and no matter how much it might suck, who am I to stop you?” As soon as the words leave, his mouth feels a little numb. Like he’d just been eating something cold for a long time. 

“I promise if I do leave, I’ll find a way to call, okay?” He looks determined. And that’s…

_Oh_ , Mick feels his heart in his chest so prevalently. He really does want to keep in contact with Mick. There is nothing more gorgeous than Juno Steel when he gets like that. When he gets angry on someone else’s behalf, when he gets protective of the people he loves, when he sets his mind to something. Those are some of the best parts of him. That look in his eyes, and the way his shoulders draw upwards, and then leans forwards just slightly like he’s holding himself to that promise on his back. He believes in him too. Even after Sasha, who said that she would call often and hasn’t spoken to him in months, and hasn’t been in contact with Juno since that day with Dark Matters. Then 15 years, before that. 

Against everything, the distance that could possibly be between them, or the past reflections of his old friend, he still believes in Juno Steel. 

“You better.” Mick jokes. “And try to visit? I’ll miss you too much.”

“I will.” Juno reassures him. 

They lapse into that comfortable silence that seems so familiar, and so strange that they can just fall back into it even after so long. Nothing but Juno scrubbing at his eyes, and then him leaning back against Mick’s shoulder. Mick wonders how easily Juno can touch him after all this time. Maybe he doesn’t see the significance like Mick does. Juno must have a strange relationship with touch. With Mick and Rita he touches them so easily at times, and at times avoids it like one avoids death itself. Sometimes Juno will bump shoulders or run fingers across fingers so easily, and sometimes he stays a few feet away, watching their hands at all times, flinching when someone makes a sudden movement. 

He wonders what goes on in Juno’s head, with that. Mick doesn’t understand that aversion nearly as much. He’s always wanted to touch or be touched constantly. He craves it, a desire to be held or to hold, where Juno’s is fleeting always. It can change so suddenly, not that Mick has ever minded. He’s always been pretty good at gauging whether or not Juno and Sasha specifically wanted to be touched. Mick doesn’t remember a single day that Sasha wasn’t happy to be on the receiving end of a hug. Juno is easy to pick up on in that sense, whether it’s through hissed teeth, or clear communication in the tenseness of his body, the way the edge of his mouth digs into his cheek when Mick makes the movement to do so. 

He’ll miss those moments that Juno touches Mick like it’s the most casual thing in the entire world. He’ll miss _these_ moments. He knows he will be okay when Juno leaves. He isn’t the pillar between life and death for him. He’s his best friend, and the only person he has ever loved like he loves him. He’s uniquely important, it will hurt like hell for them to be apart so long, and he knows that he will be okay. 

This, right now, is enough. Juno is pressed up against him, about to embark on a new life away from Mars. He told Mick, because he cares and he isn’t ashamed of that right then. Mick doesn’t know what changed, or how it came to be. Maybe it doesn’t matter at all. 

All he knows is that right now, Juno is next to him. He’s happy and alive. Right now, he hopes that is enough. 

**_14_ **

Mick picks up the call on the second ring. He’d been in the middle of writing a story, having a lot of fun with it, surprisingly. 

“Jay Jay?”

Juno sounds tired when he speaks, not upset or exhausted like he’s tired of the world andit’s weight, just sleepy. “Hey, Mercury.”

Mick feels a little lighter already. “Long day?” 

Juno laughs, a real, true laugh that Mick is getting more and more accustomed to hearing with each call. “Long day. It was fun though. What did you do today?”

Mick glances at the paper. “Mostly been writing that story, helping my dad, staying sober. That's how it's been usually. It's been nice.”

He can hear a smile in his voice. “That’s great, Mick. I’m proud of you.” 

He doesn’t ask if Juno’s been staying sober as well. “What about you? What did you do today?” Maybe he watched a stream with Rita and his other crewmates again. 

“I went on a date.” He says, a certain lightness to his tone like he's floating. “It was so nice. We didn't even go out to a fancy restaurant or anything. We went to this garden together. Super pretty, we don't have plants like that on Mars.” Mick’s never been a very jealous guy, with that whole romantic thing and he isn’t now. Friendship-wise he’s felt a certain amount of jealousy if someone takes up all of their time. Mostly he just feels inadequate when that happens. 

He doesn’t feel any jealousy now. Maybe he just doesn’t feel that way in a romantic setting. “Oh cool. New partner?” Mick asks. 

Juno hums thoughtfully. “I think he’d want to use the term boyfriend. We haven’t really talked about it though. Labels and all that.” There’s a brief silence before it turns into active anxiety. “Is that important? Should I talk to him about that?”

“Maybe?” Mick says, unsure. “I heard that talking about your feelings in a relationship is good for it. I would think knowing where the two of you stand would be nice.”

“Yeah, maybe I’ll talk to him about it sometime.” Juno says it happily, like he’s excited to do it. Strange, considering how he would avoid ever talking to Diamond with anything he had a problem with. It’s comforting, knowing that he’s with someone who will listen. “I’d like you to meet him, next time I’m on Mars.” Juno mentions. 

And that’s even _more_ strange. He didn’t want any of them to meet Diamond after they’d been together for a little while. Maybe he was scared of what they would think. They did all hate her pretty immediately. Sasha especially would resolutely ignore her everytime she was in the room, or give her snide remarks like she almost never did. After that, he hardly met any of the people Juno dated. Not that Mick doesn’t know he’s been in and out of relationships. 

“You really want me to meet him?” Mick asks, a little hesitant. Juno’s partners are usually… interesting. Difficult to get along with, to put it delicately. 

Juno _sounds_ happy when he speaks again, but he always sounded a little bit happier in the beginnings of new relationships. It only sends Mick to worry more. “I really do. Mick, I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s so kind and gentle with me. I’ve never had that. He doesn’t treat me like glass or walk on eggshells around me either…”

He goes on like that for a while. He gushes about his new partner for a while. Mick hears him, but he tries to tone it out. It hurts to hear him like that, a little. Nice to hear him happy, and find someone who can give him everything he needs. Though it does still hurt. He doesn’t know why. Not jealousy, not that “I want to be with Juno and I’m jealous that this other guy can be.” way like he always sees in streams. It just hurts to hear him in love, he thinks. Describing a love that Mick has always felt for him, but it isn’t turned towards Mick. It’s strange. He wishes he didn’t feel that way. 

Like a firelight in his chest, it burns, eats at his heart like kindling. 

“Well,” Mick says, swallows hard. “Can’t wait to meet him. He sounds like a real stand-up guy!”

“I think you’re gonna love him, Mick.”

Mick thinks that maybe he will like him a whole lot. He worries and worries, but for Juno’s sake, he genuinely hopes he’s as good as he says.

**_15_ **

There is a steady knock at Mick’s door, and he knows that Juno is here. When he opens the door, Juno greets him with what is unmistakably a completely genuine smile. God, looking at him silhouetted by the light of the outside work, Mick feels his heart flutter out of his chest. It feels like he’s _bleeding_ with how he aches for him now, so close. 

He looks different than when Mick saw him before he left in the first place. He’s seen him before of course. There have been two other visits since he left. He doesn’t get much time for social calls in the almost year that he’s been gone. His hair has been put into locs. He wonders if that’s Buddy or Rita’s doing. He guesses at the very least Rita did the pink tips on the ends of them, and gave him the little flower clip. It’s back in a half bun. He’s gained weight as well. A relief if you ask Mick. Since Juno had gotten in deep with hard drugs and bad eating habits, he always looked a little bit smaller than he should be. Now he’s properly chubby. He looks… happy. FIlled out and bright as the sun. He looks like he always should have. 

Looking at him then, like the sun hung in the sky, or like a star-fingertipped angel coming down to show him his smile, Mick feels like he can breathe easy for the first time. 

He doesn’t say any of it, just gives him a small once-over before gathering him up in a King of the Freeway hug, tight as he can. Juno hugs him back, just as tight. Like he really does want to feel Mick in his arms. He’s _warm_. For the first time that Mick can remember he’s warm to the touch, and not just that cold and underlying warmth that he feels just by being close to him. That’s there too, but the difference is obvious. He thinks that maybe he’s been eating more, maybe went to a doctor that helps with his circulation?

They don’t talk, really for a few seconds. That’s fine by Mick. They don’t always need to be having a conversation all the time. For now he just knows that Juno Steel is in his arms, like an earthquake has settled. 

Finally, Juno sighs a little, and settles back down on his feet. Mick didn’t even notice he’d been on his toes. He pulls away, and gives Mick a once over. Still, after all those years, that analysing eye is just the same as ever. It always makes him anxious, Juno’s scrutiny. He almost squirms under his sight. He’s always been good at picking out details, knowing their significance where Mick can see none. Who knows what he thinks of Mick’s blue sweatpants and pink sweater. Or his hair just as unkempt as it always is. Does he think anything at all?

“You look great, Mercury.” He compliments. “It’s good to see you.”

Mick lets out a breath that could be his whole heart. Feels like he’s all the way up in the clouds. He falls in love every time he sees him. He would have thought that it would fade over time. A result of that lack of requirement, even the way Juno has treated him in the past. He would think that it would have stifled that feeling even a bit. “It’s good to see you too.” The words come out unbearably sappy. 

“My boyfriend is meeting us at this little restaurant. You ready?” He asks, sounds a little impatient. 

Mick slips on his shoes. “Gimme like two seconds.” 

He leaves Juno to sit in the living room, before walking over to where his dad is sleeping in his own room. He nudges him gently awake, until he blearily opens his eyes. He looks tired still, but just as happy to see him as he always is. “Hey there, Junior. What’s up?”

“I’m going to go to a restaurant with Juno, okay? Call me if you need anything?”

“Think old pa can’t handle it on his own, huh?” Dad says playfully, too weak to put any real emotion behind it.

Mick laughs a little. “Just promise you’ll call if you need anything at all.”

He waves at him slowly. “I promise, Junior, I promise.” Mick bends down to give him a little kiss on his forehead. 

He leans back up, and makes his way out the door. “I’ll be back later tonight, okay?”

“Okay! Have fun, I love you.” He can always hear love in his voice when he says it. Mick wonders if that’s a trait that got passed down. 

“Love you too dad.”

When he leaves the room, Juno is already occupying himself with playing with the talks of the scallions plant he has growing. “Don’t break her, I just started watering her the right amount.” Mick jokes. 

Juno snorts. “Her?” His face is one of a joke. “What’s her name?”

Mick suddenly feels incredibly embarrassed. “Miranda.”

But he doesn’t make fun of him, just let’s his fingers skim over the tops of the stalks, letting them glide over his palms like blades of grass. It must be calming to him. Mick wonders what his hands feel like now. Still as rough with the indents of a gun? Are they warmer now too? Mick wants to know them again and again with each change, but only if Juno wanted that too. He doesn’t, and Mick knows that.

He looks away, instead at Juno’s boots. 

“I’m ready now.” Mick says, voice a little quieter than his usual tone. 

It takes a little while for them to get down into the car. All the while, Mick is talking about a story that he’s writing. He never writes pure fiction, like with dragons or magical realms. He always writes realistic fiction. Things that might have happened, or could happen in the future. It feels more comforting to him. Realistic possibility. No matter how fun and exciting wacky adventures and or mystical mishaps may seem, he wants this life that he has right now to be as good as he can make it. 

In the car, while Juno’s starting it, he says, “It’s nice to see you writing. If you come out with that book, just let me know, and I’ll have Rita download it onto my comms.” He wishes he didn’t feel _so_ elated and nervous at the thought of Juno reading his work, but he does anyways. “Do you have any other stories planned out, or just this one?”

“Just this one for now.” Mick says. Should he have more planned out? This one already takes too much of his time. 

Juno just hums as he drives. “I figured. I would just focus on this one right now. Kind of like jobs or cases with me. Learn from the past ones, but the future ones can wait till after the current one is done.”

“Look at you, Mister good advice guy.” Mick jokes. “Finally using that big brian of yours to be nice?”

Juno rolls his eye. Probably not a good idea to do while he’s driving, but he glances at Mick anyways. “I’ve _always_ given good advice, thank you very much.”

Mick laughs before he can stop it. “No you have _not!_ Or are you forgetting-”

“Okay, okay,” His voice has an inkling of annoyance and that smile. “Maybe I haven’t.”

It’s nice to be able to banter with Juno like this. In real life as well, and not over the phone, where he can see the tilt of his lips, and the way he looks when he’s fake-annoyed. 

When they’re finally there, Juno leads him over to a tall thin man sitting at the table. He stands up when he sees Juno, and reaches out his hand for Mick to shake. “Hello, Mr. Mercury! It’s so nice to meet you, the stories Juno has told me about you have been endless. My name is Peter Ransom.” Juno floats to his side, and playfully nudges him. 

“Don’t embarrass me.” It’s all joking and smiles from the two of them. Mick feels a little like he’s intruding.

He takes the hand outstretched to him. Soft, thin hands. When Mick holds it he can feel knuckle under skin. “Mick Mercury. But uh, you already knew that. It’s nice to finally meet Juno’s new fella!”

And it is. It’s nice to see someone that Juno deems this important to him. They all take their seats together. The restaurant is a cute little breakfast place. He can smell synth-bacon and syrup. Makes him feel all kinds of happy nostalgic emotions of when his dad would make breakfast for all three of them. Mick, Juno and Sasha. He will always get a little sappy about breakfast food. 

Rex looks… different than what Mick would expect. Most of Juno’s past partners have been all tall and muscular. They always seem to tower over him both physically and with the way they would carry themselves. Mick always guessed that Juno just liked _mean_ people. This guy looks like he could be snapped in half in a moment. 

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t still look dangerous. Long black hair, sharp eyes that look like they could be bored and amused at the same time. His teeth when he smiles make Mick’s stomach turn. Sharp enough to cut, same as his nails. He’s in a pristine black suit with the corset peeking out just past the buttons of his blazer. 

Even though he doesn’t look the same build as the other people Juno’s dated, Mick can see why he likes him. He’s still very undeniably Juno’s type. Dangerous, gives off a feeling that Mick doesn’t trust like violence or bloodshed. He doesn’t say anything though, tries not to make too many assumptions. 

“I hear you’re a writer.” Ransom mentions. He doesn’t sound judgemental or rude, like Diamond was. 

“Oh, uh, yeah I am. Your job sounds a lot more exciting though.” Mick says nervously, hopes that it doesn’t sound accusatory. 

Ransom just laughs. “I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of downtime in our travels.”

Juno folds his arms over his chest. “Oh my god, so much downtime. Drives me up the wall sometimes.” He grumbles. 

Ransom lifts his hand, and for a moment Mick almost tries to reach out and grab it before it can get to Juno. As if they haven’t probably touched and such a million times over. As if Mick could undo any damage that Ransom could have already done. Ransom doesn’t grab him, doesn’t swat a little too hard at him like Diamond would, doesn’t even hurt him at all. Instead he gently rubs his knuckles down Juno’s arm before dropping his hand. That’s all. Nothing else. “I’m sure. You stayed on Mars for so long, darling and yet we can’t be planetside for more than two weeks without you getting antsy.” He says it with such fondness that Mick can almost feel it mirrored in his own emotions. 

“Well, Jay Jay’s always been a little like that.” Mick remembers. “Even while he was on Mars. He was always going _somewhere_ , doing _something._ ”

Ransom's eyes look Juno up and down for just a moment. They aren’t judgemental, not appreciative in the nauseating way that people at bars would sometimes look at Juno. Just happy. “Yes, I can see that.”

It goes on like that for a while. Mick learns about Peter Ransom, and how he acts with Juno Steel. Every few moments, Mick thinks he’s going to do something to hurt Juno in some way. He never does. In fact, he seems just as in love with him as Juno seems with him. Everything is mutual, met at a halfway point and still working on being able to keep their balance there. 

It _does_ hurt, seeing them together and happy. Mostly, it makes Mick happy that Juno has changed so much, that he has someone like that who he can love and be loved in the way he needs. He still doesn’t trust Peter Ransom very much. He still has those sharp teeth, and Mick can feel danger on him. Maybe if he were given more than only an evening he would start to. He seems like a nice guy, all things considered. Even if he’s the most dangerous man in the world, he still seems to have a soft spot for Juno. 

The lady gets a call on his comms. He jumps at the sound, and pulls it out. “It’s Buddy. I’ll be right back, okay?” 

Peter nods, a smile still evident on his face. Juno leaves out the front door, and he waves at him the whole time. Mick watches him leave as well, before he realises as he turns back to Ransom that they are alone together. It makes a sharpo curl of anxiety claw at his throat briefly. Though Peter isn’t doing a single thing other than cutting up his waffles in the most delicate manner that Mick has ever seen someone take with food. 

“So, Mick,” First name now. Feels better than being called _Mr. Mercury_ ever could. Hits a little too wrong, feels a little too formal. “How did you and Juno meet in the first place?” It’s a casual question, one he’s heard many times. He never really gets tired of saying, though. 

“Me and Jay Jay were childhood friends! We grew up in the same district of Oldtown, and met up through a mutual friend.” He says easily, happily. “We’ve been getting into trouble and getting back out of it since we were in middle school!” 

Ransom honestly looks delighted about that. “That’s adorable. Remarkable that the two of you have stayed friends for such a long time. Some people truly make bonds that don’t diminish at all over time. Rita’s been by his side since he was nineteen. The thought of twenty years being such close friends with one person?” He laughs quietly. “It baffles me.”

“You don’t have anyone like that? Someone you’ve just known for ages?” He says it without thinking, and regrets it for the way his tone shifts to something solemn. 

He laughs a little again. “Oh, Mr. Mercury,” Back to titles and last names he guesses. “No need to look so down on my behalf. The way I used to work didn’t inhibit very much leeway for that sort of thing. Traveling and such. It was something I chose.”

“Well you’re not now.” He mentions. 

Peter smiles. “Yes, I think I needed a bit of a change in pace.” He casts his glance to the door Juno left out of very briefly. It sounds lonely, the before. Mick has felt lonely for such a long time. They are so different from one another, and yet they feel that same emotion? Mick’s loneliness suddenly feels so inadequate next to him. “I’d been thinking about becoming part of a team long before. Although I hadn’t until this recent year. Living like that for the rest of my life now seems so silly now.” He laughs, and it’s the first time, outside of when he has looked at Juno, or been casually intimate with him, that he has looked completely genuine. He’s sure that some of what he said or acted like he felt was true, but there is a small vulnerability in this specifically. Mick doesn’t know why it would be so important, but he can feel the significance of it nonetheless. Mick wouldn’t have even picked up on it if he hadn’t seen how he was with Juno before. 

“I can’t imagine it.” Mick tells him finally. “Especially alone. Travelling from planet to planet like you guys do.” That’s true. Mick likes where he's at. He loves his apartment with his dad, loves the Martian sim-wind and the Martian way the city runs. It might be horrible at times. Sometimes there are bad mayors and corrupt law enforcement. It’s still his home, though. The planet he loves. He can’t imagine that anywhere in the galaxy will ever feel like home like Mars does. He thinks that Juno must have felt that way at some point. He wants to ask if any place feels like this does, like an old comfortable shirt. Does anything feel like home to him anymore? Maybe it would be a person instead. “So how did you two meet?”

Ransom shows that amused little smile again, like there’s a private joke in just that question that only he would understand. “On a case.” He tells him. There is a certain finality about that. It doesn’t make Mick feel like he can’t answer any more questions on the matter, only that it will get him nowhere concerning the bigger details. He’s about to start asking anyways when the door to the restaurant chimes open. 

Juno comes back inside, scowling slightly like something ticked him off. He sits in his chair, and starts to cut up his own waffles. 

“Is something the matter, love?” Ransom asks, pet name coming so easily, still sounds amused. Like second nature. 

Juno just shrugs slightly, petulantly. “It was Buddy, she was just reminding me to hurry up. Which I _know._ Like _excuse me_ if I spend more than half an hour catching up with my friend.”

Ransom laughs at that. “Well, we should make use of the time we do have.”

And they do, but Mick feels a little out of it throughout the rest of their meal together. 

He thinks about what Ransom said. _“Living like that for the rest of my life now seems so silly now.”_ Suddenly, looking at Juno this feeling that’s been killing him a little since the day he started feeling it, he thinks that he doesn’t want to live like this anymore. He doesn’t want to keep this from him, keep it in his chest until the end of the world. He doesn’t want to die being in love with Juno, and him never knowing. 

His mom’s words ring like rock against metal in his head. “ _Sometimes there is no room for love as passionate as yours in a world like this.”_ That hurt, and it still does. That paired with the knowledge that he loves a lady that will never love him back kills him again and again. That passion, love that even he discouraged still runs just as strong as it had before. 

Would Juno hate him for it? Would he never visit him again? Would their calls become less and less frequent before they finally fizzled out completely? That thought crushes him a little, but he’s been living in this heartbreak since they were in their twenties, he’s loved Juno for so long, but the thought that they wouldn’t be friends anymore is even worse than all the pain he’s felt since he first started falling. 

Love is not anything bright. It’s not glamorous, really. Sure, for moments it feels like you’ve just climbed to the top of a tree, and all you can see is a wide open sky. Those brief moments where love is all you can feel are brief and fleeting. Mostly love is small inconsistent moments in the grand scheme of forever. Mostly it is a feeling that doesn’t leave and stands idle next to every other emotion that you can feel for a person. Those emotions can be anger, frustration, anxiety, pride. It could be any number of emotions that Mick can’t even begin to explain. The only difference is that those emotions are never alone.

Mick wants to tell him, and this time, for the first time he thinks that he will. The feeling has been a constant, and too strong to keep inside himself for so long. It tears him apart and he _hates it_. Juno won’t reciprocate, and Mick has known that the entire time. And with surety, he knows that if he never tells Juno about these feelings, then he will never move on. 

He _wants_ to move on. He doesn’t know if it will ever completely go away, but he wants it to get easier to deal with. He didn’t use to. Before, he thought that he could live in this festering kindling for the rest of his life and be happy with that. It’s different now. He doesn’t want to live this way anymore. Juno won’t reciprocate, he can’t. Though maybe he has the capacity to hear him. 

They’re on their way back to Mick's apartment. He thinks he sees Ransom give him a bit of a sad look. Does he know? How does everyone always seem to know when Mick can hardly parse out the emotions himself. Rita could always tell from a glance. At times, when he would forget himself and catch himself staring at Juno, and she was in the room, he could look back at her and know that she knew his heartbreak. He always hated that. 

The car stops, and Mick knows that he should be moving to get out. Instead, he looks at Juno whose expression is patient. He’s changed so much. Years ago, he would hiss and snap at Mick to get away from him even if they were feet apart. He would bite and snarl, push people away as if they were curtains covering a window. Mick still doesn’t know why that changed exactly. 

“Jay Jay… can we talk about something?” He says without thinking. 

Juno looks at him with that single eye. For once he doesn’t feel anxious about what Juno sees when he looks at him, he’s got a much bigger thing to be anxious about now. “You don’t want to head up to your place to talk?”

He _doesn’t_. He specifically doesn’t want to let his dad hear him give a love confession that will be rejected just for the sake of saying. “No, I can’t. Can we just, uh…’

Juno unbuckles his seat belt, and gets comfortable in the driver's seat. He must see how important it feels to Mick because he gives him a significant look. “Sure, what’s up.”

He doesn’t even know how to start. He has hardly even thought about how a conversation like this would go. The only thoughts he’s had of it have all been a confession of his feelings, and a horrible _after._ The thoughts of Juno rejecting his friendship after it swarm him and he feels a sudden anxiety grip him like a vice. He suddenly has his mothers long dead words on rerun in his head. 

_Too passionate,_ he thinks, _too much passion for a world like this. Too much love for someone like Juno to care about him even after this._ It works it’s way up into his throat, and suddenly air is forced into his lungs. It hurts to breathe, it hurts not too. It’s too much for him. His hands close over the middle of his chest.

He feels a hand over his own, and his breath starts to even out. He feels a little less alone. When he comes a little more to himself, he recognizes the feeling of tears on his face. Juno’s hand is over his own. 

“Must be something pretty serious then, huh?” Juno says in a bit of a joking tone. 

And Mick laughs through a bit of a sob. Then he swallows. Who the hell knows how these things are supposed to go he guesses he can just wing it. If this ruins his friendship, then at least they’ve had a good run, right? So he starts. 

“Jay, have you ever kept an old shirt for way too long?” He asks. 

Juno gives him the most confused look. “What-?”

“And you know you should throw it out, y’know? Like you just need to take it out, cause it’s just taking up space.” He cuts him off. “It’s too small for you, or maybe it reminds you of something bad. And you still just keep it around. Maybe it still holds some significance, or it feels comfortable to be surrounded by things that you’ve always known even though it doesn’t quite work for you anymore.” He swallows, takes a breath. “So you keep the shirt for way too long. It takes up space. It becomes an eyesore everytime you look in your closet now, and because you _still_ haven’t gotten rid of it. You don’t need it. At this point, you don’t even know if you want it, but looking at it is still just as comfortable as it was before.”

Juno gives him a onceover, where his hands are still clasped over his chest, back at his eyes. “Yeah, I think I get what you’re saying.” Juno says quietly. 

“But eventually you _do_ have to throw it away. You do have to make room in your closet. It’s just gonna drive you up the wall to keep it around forever.” He takes his hands off his chest, and looks at them. They look different, he thinks. Much different than when he was a kid. There’s a little scar on his finger from dropping a glass bottle once. They’re dry, need lotion. “Juno, I’ve wanted to tell you for so long.” He says weakly. 

Juno looks nervous, but he says, “Mick, whatever it is, I’m here to listen. I’m not gonna push you away. Not again. I’m here for you.” He’s looking at Mick like he thinks he’s _dying._ He might think he is, actually. He almost wants to laugh at that. 

“I love you, Juno.” Mick finally blurts out. He waits for a long silence, or a bad look on Juno’s face. 

Instead he nods, and immediately says. “Yeah, I love you too, and whatever it is-”

“No, Juno.” Mick says through a rough throat. It would almost be funny if this wasn’t one of the scariest things he’d ever done. “I _love_ you. Like…”

Juno still looks confused. Mick wants to be frustrated. For someone so smart, he fell in love with such an idiot. “Like _in love_ with you.”

“Oh.” Juno says numbly. _“Oh._ Mick, I…” he struggles for a few moments. “I mean, you just met my boyfriend.” He puffs out a breath. “I can’t-I don’t…” He gestures around himself helplessly.

“I don’t want you to.” Mick tells him. “Listen, feeling like that with people to me means that I want them to be happy. I know you wouldn’t be happy with me. I don’t need you to reciprocate, I don’t need any of that.” He hopes it conveys it well enough.

Juno bites his lip. “How long?” He asks quietly. 

Backtracking, he still can’t pinpoint any exact moment when he fell for him. He knows some people fall in love at first sight. Some people take months, and then have a certain moment where they truly fall for them. It was never like that for Mick. It’s always been something gradual. It’s never been something sudden, for him, didn’t even sneak up on him and take him by surprise. It feels like he’d always kind of known. “I don’t know.” He admits. “I think in our twenties maybe?”

Juno puts his palm to his forehead, looks surprised. “That long? Jesus, Mick. Even when I was with Diamond?”

Anxiety crawls up inside him again. “Um, yeah.”

“That sounds horrible.” Juno remarks. He doesn’t look him in the eyes, and Mick feels his heart drop. Juno has the right to feel however he wants to about it, but he knows that it will tear his heart out to hear that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Moreso than the scratched out feeling in his chest now. He can already feel the start of the loss. “Did you tell me finally because you can’t be around me? I want to still be friends with you, but if it hurts too much or, I don’t know. Whatever you need to do.” But he looks like his own heart is breaking. 

And Mick is crying all over again. “Jay,” He sobs, feels a few more tears slide down his cheeks, laughs it out. “You _idiot_ I didn’t tell you for so long because I thought you wouldn’t want to be friends.” Relief powers through him like stepping into a cold shower. 

“Mick,” Juno laughs quietly, and his hand reaches out shakily. He pulls him into a slightly weird hug, the two of them being in different seats, but it feels like that same relief paired with warm comfort. “You’re _always_ gonna be my best friend. Always.”

Mick grips his shoulder and cries. “I’m sorry.” He sobs. “I just couldn’t- I needed to get it off my chest, Jay. I couldn’t keep doing this-”

“I’m glad you did.” Juno tells him. He sounds as honest as he ever has. 

Mick believes him. He thinks, through his mixture of heartbreak and elation, that maybe someone like him, someone so passionate _can_ fit in a world like this. It feels like security. Not that Juno will stay friends with him, he could never put that on Juno. He believes him, of course, but Juno owes him nothing for his love. Even if it was the most important love in the world, Juno owes him no time or friendship. Right now, even if it is without Juno, he wants to love himself, make himself just as happy as Juno can be. He wants to love _himself_ to such an extent that he wants to make _himself_ happy. 

Right now, he knows with utmost certainty that Juno is okay. 

He knows that he will be okay too, and that is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This was partially character study and partially unrequited love. I hope you liked it! This was,,, such a long fic in comparison to what I usually do for tpp.  
> Let me know what you think! If you liked or hated it or whatever!  
> Also come drop by my twitter! It's @c0wb0yandy sometimes I go stupid go crazy about penumbra stuff.  
> The song that I got the title from is Smokey Eyes by Lincoln. It's very fun-sad, and it's here https://open.spotify.com/track/6nStFBb5DgiShZMXdyxgeo?si=Ltl6ObkrSn-MBKb0O5M_bA on spotify.


End file.
